Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

Find a marriage therapist near me

Marriage problems are less often skill deficits, but a disconnection from virtues.

The “golden rule” perspective shift helps partners examine their own impact within the relationship.

Virtues such as loyalty and gratitude are not fixed traits but habits strengthened through repeated choices.

Strong marriages are built by practicing virtue daily, not by waiting for feelings to improve.

It was a tense session with clients I will call Steve and Leticia. They were arguing over who had hurt the other more, and I was struggling to help Steve see beyond his own perspective. I asked him, “If you woke up tomorrow as Leticia, what would it be like to be married to you?” He paused as he considered how she had been burned by the many times he had been checked out while he was tangled in addiction. The question is designed to promote unselfish self-reflection, and it is also Aristotelian.

More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle argued that the good life is built through practicing virtue. Not in a moralistic or religious sense, but as a matter of making choices to benefit relationships or humanity. Aristotle suggests that the best intimate relationships are not simply a byproduct of chemistry or compatibility. They are the fruit of both people being their best self. The ancient philosopher turned therapist would tell us that strong marriages are not found, they are formed.

This question for Steve was a variation on the “golden rule,” which emphasizes treating others how you want to be treated. This principle is so........

© Psychology Today