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Marriage problems are less often skill deficits, but a disconnection from virtues.

The “golden rule” perspective shift helps partners examine their own impact within the relationship.

Virtues such as loyalty and gratitude are not fixed traits but habits strengthened through repeated choices.

Strong marriages are built by practicing virtue daily, not by waiting for feelings to improve.

It was a tense session with clients I will call Steve and Leticia. They were arguing over who had hurt the other more, and I was struggling to help Steve see beyond his own perspective. I asked him, “If you woke up tomorrow as Leticia, what would it be like to be married to you?” He paused as he considered how she had been burned by the many times he had been checked out while he was tangled in addiction. The question is designed to promote unselfish self-reflection, and it is also Aristotelian.

More than two thousand years ago, Aristotle argued that the good life is built through practicing virtue. Not in a moralistic or religious sense, but as a matter of making choices to benefit relationships or humanity. Aristotle suggests that the best intimate relationships are not simply a byproduct of chemistry or compatibility. They are the fruit of both people being their best self. The ancient philosopher turned therapist would tell us that strong marriages are not found, they are formed.

This question for Steve was a variation on the “golden rule,” which emphasizes treating others how you want to be treated. This principle is so fundamental to human relations that at least twenty-one of the world’s major religions have some variation of it as a core teaching. How do you want to be treated? That is your starting place for deciding how to treat your mate. This question is about virtue, not skill. Some therapy interventions emphasize skills, like using active listening or I-messages. But these are insufficient without virtues like kindness and patience backing them up.

Attributes such as fairness and humility are not fixed traits that some have and others don’t, but muscles that can be strengthened. Couples almost always are their best self when they are getting to know each other. They show understanding, forgive each other, and are patient. But too often, after marriage partners allow their virtue biceps to go soft. They get busy with other things or become complacent.

To stay strong, couples need to intentionally choose good attitudes and actions. Aristotle argued that virtues involve actions, but also feelings, and these are cultivated through repeated choices to do right. Aristotle said that to be good, is not, as Kant was to later argue, to go against our nature, but it is our nature — our cultivated nature. We become good through persistently choosing to be good, like showing kindness and unselfishness. But Aristotle did admit: “It is no easy task to be good.” But it is worth it, since relationships grow as partners continue to try. With Steve and Leticia we focused on two key virtues: loyalty and gratitude.

Being loyal is a virtue that keeps partners feeling safe. During their marriage struggles, Leticia had been confiding in a male friend at work. She didn’t tell Steve, and she excused this because she was still furious about Steve’s debts occurred from his sports gambling. As Steve took responsibility for his lapses and worked on recovery, she told him what she had done. He was stung, but appreciated her honesty, and this helped him work harder. They became more vigilant in how they talked about their marriage with their friends and family. Leticia also helped their son become more loyal in his new marriage. He had been making jokes about his wife’s cooking and teasing her in front of the family. Leticia told him his first priority was his spouse, and he needed to show this in his actions.

Partners have an amazing capacity for taking each other for granted. In most relationships, there are all kinds of things to be happy about; why else would people partner up? But often, couples stop thinking about their strengths and instead become complacent. One comedian was discussing how quickly people become entitled and ungrateful. He was on an airplane where they offered high speed internet for the first time. People tried it and it was great. He said: “And then it breaks down. They apologize and the guy next to me says, ‘Pfffff! This is $#@*!’ Like, how quickly the world owes him something he knew existed only 10 seconds ago!”

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Like the ungrateful flyer, couples can take each other for granted; but being grateful pays off. Research has found that appreciative words increase relationship commitment and stability, and expressing gratitude is the most consistent, significant predictor of happy marriages. Scholars have found that grateful words to a spouse inject enjoyable feelings that persist until the next day and decrease the odds of breaking up. It feels good to be grateful, and it is nice to be appreciated. Steve and Leticia started noticing even the small things the other did, and this benefited both.

Exercising virtues does not take specialized training. As Aristotle realized millennia ago, it is a matter of commitment. When people come for couples therapy, it isn’t usually because they need to learn a technical skill; it is because they have gotten disconnected from their best self. Steve and Leticia worked hard, and as Steve said, “We are better than we have ever been. We are more unified, more open. It feels like a real partnership instead of two people who are just dealing with each other.” When couples seek what is best for the other, they create unity and also benefit themselves. If Aristotle were leading this couple therapy session, he would say this is what virtue looks like in action. Not perfection, but practice.

Todd Goodsell and Jason Whiting, “An Aristotelian Theory of the Family,” Journal of Family Theory and Review, (2016).

Blaine J. Fowers, Beyond the Myth of Marital Happiness: How Embracing the Virtues of Loyalty, Generosity, Justice, and Courage Can Strengthen Your Relationship (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000).

Allen W. Barton, Ted G. Futris, and Robert B. Nielsen, "Linking Financial Distress to Marital Quality: The Intermediary Roles of Demand/Withdraw and Spousal Gratitude Expressions," Personal Relationships 22, no. 3 (2015): 536-549.

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