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Some gay men learn to rely on achievement and appearance as protection against rejection.

The need to prove our worth can persist long after we've come out and found acceptance.

Letting go of needing approval doesn't mean giving up ambition or the satisfaction of doing something well.

I must have been 8 or 9 when I first became obsessed with The Little Mermaid. I had the VHS, the cassette tape, the easy piano sheet music—you name it, I owned it. And one of my favorite pastimes was to take a cushion from the couch, place it on my back with a green macramé shawl holding it in place, and perform "Under the Sea" for my entire family. And yes, you better believe this white Jewish child did the full Jamaican accent. My family adored it. I was asked to do command performances. It was one of the first songs I learned to play on the piano just so I could accompany myself. And while there's nothing wrong with a child soaking up that validation, I think there was something else going on. I didn't want to be Sebastian the crab; I wanted to be Ariel.

I wanted to find a prince washed up on a beach and sing to him until he fell in love with me. I wanted him to see beyond my voice and care for the person underneath. I wanted my family to celebrate our unorthodox marriage with rainbows. I knew that wasn't "normal"—I watched enough Sally Jessy Raphael and Jerry Springer to know that those people were always the butt of the joke. Family vacations to Palm Springs........

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