Understanding Loneliness

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“All the lonely people, where do they all come from?” —The Beatles, “Eleanor Rigby,” 1966

Loneliness has been a problem throughout human history. In recent times, population growth, migration into cities and away from smaller communities, the loss of traditional family and social structures, and the rise of social media and virtual relationships, as well as related generational changes, have ostensibly accelerated the loneliness epidemic to global health proportions.

The consequences are not abstract. Loneliness increases the risk of premature death more than obesity, physical inactivity, or smoking up to 15 cigarettes a day (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015), a finding sobering enough that, for this and other generational and post-pandemic related reasons, the U.S. Surgeon General declared loneliness a public health crisis in 2023.

When Being Alone Feels Safer Than Being Together

Many of us will find that moment of choice and vulnerability familiar—when we both want to give voice to and self-silence a heartfelt, meaningful experience, whether expressing affection or a desire for more closeness when we are unsure whether this will be reciprocated. Many don't take the risk, fearing rejection or humiliation often more than merited based on prior disappointments, and regretting our decision in hindsight.

For many people, this goes deeper than a single hesitant moment. When we both want and may in fact need intimacy yet are also scared of intimacy because of experiences we have had—scared of failing or getting hurt again—it places us in a very difficult, but importantly not impossible, double bind. If we are more aware, we may experience this as overt inner conflict. If we are less so, we may experience distress, dissonance, confusion, and ambivalence—feeling closeness but then blowing it up for unclear reasons, or thinking things were going well and then getting blindsided.

Early experiences shape which version we inhabit. Those with avoidant attachment carry a painful longing in the background while maintaining distance. Those with preoccupied attachment reach urgently for closeness in ways that can paradoxically push it away. For some with more severe early adversity and possibly chaotic disorganized attachment, longing and terror become so fused that neither safe connection nor safe distance feels available.

Too often, we encounter a tragically familiar story: A person who seemed to have a perfect life, happy, contented, with a great family and job. It's all picture-perfect, and when they die from suicide, we are........

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