The new year is an important moment to contemplate how to navigate difficult relationships. Now trending on social media is a catchphrase that comes from Mel Robbins, podcaster and author of The Let Them Theory. This idea encourages those struggling in toxic relationships to simply allow their nemesis to behave as they will.

Here’s a sample of how Robbins summarizes her theory, from a blog post on the subject.

"Let them judge you.
Let them misunderstand you.
Let them gossip about you.
Let them be 'right.'
Let them not like you.
Let them not speak to you…
Kindly step aside and 'LET THEM.…'
Let them go."

Robbins has certainly come up with a catchy (if reductive) phrase that offers some prospect of comfort to the hurt and rejected. It coincides with another current trend: familial estrangement.

Though “there is relatively little data on the subject,” Anna Russell reports in The New Yorker, anecdotal evidence indicates that “an increasing number of young people are cutting out their parents. Others think that we’re simply becoming more transparent about it.” An increase in these estrangements, she says, can be attributed to “changing notions of what constitutes harmful, abusive, traumatizing or neglectful behavior.”

Admittedly, some relationships aren’t worth sustaining. If the relationship is chronically disrespectful, injurious, or tormenting, it may be best to “let them go.” But danger lies in categorically dismissing or abandoning relationships when issues arise.

Consider a counterintuitive yet fundamental and potentially transformative truth to conflict: It may be an opportunity for growth. In any relationship, disagreements are inevitable and may be deeply unsettling.

But the clash could offer insight into ourselves, raising a basic question: Why do I feel so strongly about this issue? A dispute may spotlight something we need to address in ourselves, not just in the relationship. A subsequent discussion can be a pathway to greater intimacy.

Dr. Donna Hicks, an associate at the Weatherhead Center for International Affairs at Harvard University, has worked as a third‐party facilitator in some of the world’s most intractable conflicts. She has drawn upon her experiences in mediating international disputes to create a model for communication that applies to families as well as to nations.

In her book Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict, she outlines her approach, which aims to rebuild relationships by requiring a mutual honoring of human dignity.

Dignity, she explains, invests each of us with an inherent value and worth. When individuals are denied their dignity, they feel inconsequential and irrelevant; they become resentful, even enraged, because they feel they are not seen or heard. They ask questions like: How can you treat me like this? Can’t you see we are human beings? Can’t you see we are suffering?

Dr. Hicks then outlines the four necessary steps to begin the process of resolving disputes:

For this process to succeed, ten essential elements of dignity must be honored, Dr. Hicks says. She lists these as the necessary elements:

It’s important to note that following the Hicks Dignity Model is likely to require eventually acknowledging and talking about shame. In general, Dr. Hicks explains, people tend to deny shame rather than discuss it.

In Dr. Hicks’s experience, the Dignity Model reveals that the truth is larger than its separate stories: Crying out for change, both parties are part of a larger dysfunction. “The biggest lesson I learned from these encounters is that vulnerability is where the power lies,” Dr. Hicks writes. “The magic happens when we expose the truth to ourselves and others and are ultimately set free by it... When we honor others’ dignity, we strengthen our own.”

“Let Them,” I believe, offers none of this magic. Ignoring others’ offensive words or actions—without accountability, exploration, or resolution—simply sweeps problems under the rug. The resulting “peace” may be temporarily comfortable, but it may also be inauthentic—and ultimately unsatisfying.

True, some situations just can’t be fixed. “Let Them,” however, chooses not to even try.

References

Robbins, Mel, The Let Them Theory: A Life-Changing Tool That Millions of People Can't Stop Talking About, December 24, 2024, Hay House

Russell, Anna, (2024), Why So Many People are Going ‘No Contact’ with Their Parents, The New Yorker Magazine, August 30, 2024

Hicks, Donna, (2011), Dignity: Its Essential Role in Resolving Conflict, Yale University Press, New York, NY

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