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Kids sense when parents are having a hard time. Without real information, they worry and can blame themselves.

Facing up to a conversation can be very daunting to a parent since it means confronting their own upset.

Thinking through what you can say, and what you shouldn't share, is really the key to this complex situation.

Kids sense things about you, even when you don't say anything, just as you sense things about them. Maybe because they come from you and have learned to understand and communicate with you through a nonverbal intimacy, they can tell when things feel off. So, kids really know when something serious is going on without being told.

Even though it probably feels to you like the reckoning from hell, the actual conversation about what they sense is “off” can be quite relieving for your child. A child knowing something, but feeling that they have to keep it to themselves is one of the most damaging things that can happen in childhood. More likely than not, a child in this position starts to make up reasons as a way of understanding all the differences they see and feel and, often, lacking other understanding, begins to blame themselves for what they sense is going on with their parents.

Margie noticed that Stevie was being uncharacteristically snappy with his sister and generally gloomy at home. This was what tipped her off that something was awry and led Margie to call for help. At school, teachers reported that Stevie was staying more to himself and was not showing his usual interest or focus. One teacher asked her, “Was anything going on at home?” Could Stevie have overheard Margie and her husband arguing about how much time they spent with his parents?

From our experience with families, this kind of behavioral change is not an unusual pattern when a child feels that something serious is going on within their family but doesn’t have information or........

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