Hillary was worried about her daughter, Stacey, 14, who seemed preoccupied and short-tempered recently. Upon approach, Stacey often snapped and curled more into herself. Hillary was at a loss when she brought this into her own therapy session. "How do I break through? Do I leave her alone? Why is she being this way? Is it serious?"

When teenagers get struck by something emotional that they feel is hard to process or handle, they often retreat into themselves. It can be very difficult to watch your child reacting in this way. Obviously, they are upset, and they are making you upset because they won't allow you to help. Struggling in their ability to self-calm and learning to adjust to whatever they are feeling is a critical developmental task. Stepping back to grasp the underlying meaning of the event more clearly, can you see how it sets the stage for your child becoming more independent?

Caring for your children includes raising them to leave you and, at this stage, offering support can often mean holding back and leaving them on their own to work things out. Rushing in to solve things will not help your child develop the resilience needed to handle strong or confusing feelings, and managing your own anxiety for your child will be your crucial challenge.

To manage your own feelings and anxieties, a first step is to take some time to identify any emotions that have gotten stirred up in you by your child’s aloofness or struggle. Memories and experiences from your own teenage years, when you had hard emotions to process, can arise. How did your parents approach you? How did you work it out? Lessons........

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