Modern parenting places a strong emphasis on understanding. Parents are encouraged to recognise emotions, explore underlying causes, and respond with empathy in order to mitigate negative behavioural patterns.

Yet a common and often unsettling question remains:

“If I understand my child so well, why is their behaviour not changing?”

This question arises frequently in my clinical work. Parents are not lacking insight or commitment. On the contrary, they are often deeply thoughtful, reflective, and emotionally attuned. The difficulty lies not in understanding itself, but in the expectation that understanding alone should be sufficient to produce change.

When a child’s behaviour becomes challenging, parents naturally respond in the moment. They explain, reassure, validate, and attempt to reason. These responses are grounded in care and a desire to help the child feel safe and heard. Parents often repeat the same conversations, offering more explanation, more reassurance, and more emotional engagement, hoping that something will eventually “click.” When it does not, parents may conclude that they are not understanding enough, not explaining clearly enough, or not responding well enough. This, in turn, has a negative effect on........

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