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A reluctant confidant is often unwilling to receive information that others want to share.

Understanding privacy expectations and rules is critical before deciding when and to whom to disclose.

Common challenges include listening and reacting appropriately and weighing when to refuse a disclosure.

The question came out of the blue from my friend Barbara: “Did I ever tell you the crazy thing Camilla did at a college party?”

I took a bit of time to think before I responded. Given that Barbara was laughing when she said this, I figured Camilla did some silly and harmless thing years before I knew her. However, I could not be sure.

I wondered, would Camilla be embarrassed or angry that I knew about this incident, or would she find it funny? Would I be obligated to tell Camilla that I knew or who told me? Would knowing this information change what I think about Camilla or how much I trust her?

Given I did not know the answers to these questions, I said, “Barb, I’d rather not hear this.”

“C’mon, are you serious?” Barbara shot back.

I quickly replied, “Yep, I really am.”

Revealing and Concealing Information

One central reality of close relationships like family, friends, neighbors, or co-workers is the need to make choices about what to tell others and what not to tell. Making wise choices about revealing or concealing information is often complex and is one key to developing and keeping relationships strong. Much of the time, these choices are clear to us and help relationships grow.

Communication scholar Sandra Petronio (2002) developed a theory of Communication Privacy Management (CPM). Knowing CPM helps us understand that we have a sense of ownership over information about ourselves and others. This explains why we can feel violated when we find out someone told others information we believe should have remained private. It is important to understand and make wise choices about what information to disclose to others and when to choose not to share.

There is another side to this situation: How do we react when someone wants to tell us something we might not want to know? Clearly, the other person believes this is something we want to know or should know. If we have a close relationship, we should be willing to receive information the other person(s) wants to share, right?

Confidants are trusted or expected to be recipients (co-owners) of information (Petronio et al., 2022). Much of the time, we are correct in our choice of a confidant, especially if we’ve developed clear privacy expectations with that person. For instance, we may believe we should discuss financial problems with a romantic partner, health conditions with a parent, work problems with a supervisor, or good news like winning an award with a friend.

Petronio (2002) explained that we establish privacy rules in a relationship to help us decide what to share, with whom, and when. These rules may be specific and clear; however, sometimes they are not. For instance, “Julio, I didn’t realize how hard you find talking about your health. What can I do or say to help?” Privacy may be violated intentionally (we guess or know this person would not want this information discussed) or unintentionally (we did not realize the person would experience harm if this information was shared). At times, we don’t know there is a privacy expectation until we violate it and realize the need to alter privacy rules.

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While we normally expect being a confidant and receiving private information in close relationships, this is not always the case. Petronio describes being a reluctant confidant, in other words, an unwilling recipient of information.

Sometimes we don’t anticipate unwanted information coming our way, as happened when my friend wanted to tell me about Camilla’s party behavior. Other times, we fear others might tell us things that are hard or risky to know. The information may come to us indirectly, for example, via a social media posting. Sometimes we learn information when the other person blurts it out before we realize what is happening.

No matter how the information comes to us and when, we can find ourselves in the role of a reluctant confidant who must figure out how to react. For example, when an adult sibling tells us their marriage broke up, or they have been abusing alcohol, knowing this information is potentially risky, and the next steps are particularly important. Should we share our discomfort with the person revealing the information? Are we obligated to tell a parent or other family member what is happening? How should we weigh wanting to be supportive, helping a parent fulfill their role, and avoiding putting our relationship with one or both at risk, depending on what we choose to do?

When we are thrust into the role of a reluctant confidant, what options are available?

Options When Becoming a Reluctant Confidant

1. Developing Privacy Expectations and Rules: How clear are you and others in close relationships regarding what to reveal and what to keep private? For instance, you may come from an open family that discusses everything, and learn that this is difficult for your more private romantic partner, who is uncomfortable when your mother asks when you are planning on having children. You may need to create or revise privacy rules with your partner.

2. Avoiding Unwanted Information: When you anticipate or hear things you’d rather not know, you have multiple options for avoidance. You may try to change the subject, make a comment or gesture that shows your discomfort, offer a gentle joke, refer this person to a professional, or even withdraw from the situation. Petronio (1999) called these thwarting techniques to prevent the confider from revealing information that might be risky for you or the revealer.

As a college professor, I was a reluctant confidant when a student whose paper was due for my class tomorrow began to reveal that they had started working on the project last night. I would stop the student and say, “I want to be helpful, and of course, I will be evaluating your paper. I advise you to think carefully about what you want me to know.”

3. Listening and Reacting Appropriately: Of course, if we judge that the relationship is appropriate for disclosure, we may choose to receive or seek information, even if we are uncomfortable. Scholars studying friends as reluctant confidants stressed the importance of listening to discover how to be supportive (McBride & Bergen, 2008). It is important to weigh the risks and benefits of being a confidant. Listening can be a gift to those we care about, even if potentially risky. There are serious situations where we will jump in and help, even when the implications are unpredictable.

4. Weighing Relational Risks and Benefits: Before choosing to become a confidant or to disclose to anyone, consider the potential risks to you and others. You always have the right to refuse to be a reluctant confidant, of course, but there is a certain amount of risk to this choice as well, including someone being disappointed or potentially damaging the relationship. Receiving information is always a choice that carries responsibility. No close relationship is immune to costs as well as rewards.

In the end, it is important to have clear and flexible privacy rules in close relationships before we become co-owners of private information or ask others to do so. Giving thought to information we wish to share and receive, and renegotiating privacy boundaries across time, are central to healthy and rewarding close relationships.

McBride, M. C., & Bergen, K. M. (2008). Becoming a reluctant confidant: Communication privacy management in close friendships. Texas Speech Communication Journal.

Petronio, S. (2002). Boundaries of privacy: Dialectics of disclosure. State University of New York Press.

Petronio, S., Child, J. T., & Hall, R. D. (2022). Communication privacy management theory: Significance for interpersonal communication. In D. O. Braithwaite & P. Schrodt (Eds.), Engaging theories in interpersonal communication: Multiple perspectives (3rd ed., Routledge.

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