Sometimes we stay in a painful relationship even though we have the power to change or exit it. In childhood, we may have been victims of pain; in adulthood, we may become volunteers for pain. For instance, we might remain in an untenable relationship at home or work, or we keep procrastinating about moving on with our own life. We might maintain this stance because we are holding onto a self-defeating belief in powerlessness.

We might also be operating on the basis of an unconscious agenda. We might be finding personal advantage in our pain. This is called a “secondary gain” because we are benefiting from what is primarily negative. However, the “benefit” is ultimately not in our best interest.

We can ask: “What am I up to?” The answer will usually be fear-based. We may find out that we have a fear of getting on with life as full-fledged adults. For instance, as long as we believe we are “unworthy,” we don’t have to do all we can to........

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