Desire discrepancy is when couples have a mismatch in their sexual desires and is one of the most common issues bringing couples into therapy. Unfortunately, many people, therapists included, focus exclusively on the frequency of sex, trying to get couples to “fix” how often they engage in intercourse. But there’s more to the story.

It’s easy to get focused on how often a couple is having sex. As you read about desire discrepancy, both in mainstream media and in clinical literature, most of the focus is on helping couples negotiate around how often they engage in physical intimacy. Don’t get me wrong—frequency is an important factor, and it is the most studied aspect of desire discrepancy.

Often, partners are labeled as either “the high-desire partner” or “the low-desire partner.” Higher-desire partners are encouraged to be empathic to their partner’s feelings and........

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