This continues the discussion of replacement children from last month’s post, “Do You Feel Like a Replacement Child?”

The origin of the word “identity” comes from the Latin identitas and suggests “sameness with others,” that is, our identity is both an individual self-concept and a collective one. Identity forms early in life and is fluid, evolving, and contextual. This is my hand, my foot, my voice, my dream, but I am also a we. I identify with an ethnicity, a gender or non-binary, a nationality, politics, class, occupation, and sexual identity. British psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott posited that beneath these defining external factors lies a true self, an “I” that hides its individuality and vulnerability by developing a protective false self that conforms to the demands of society.1

The dichotomy between who we feel ourselves to be and the façade we adopt heightens the possibility of emotional struggles and is an especially fraught experience for replacement children. Each acorn grows into a unique oak tree. Just so, every human has the potential to develop into a unique personality, an individual self with their own quirks, natural abilities, and talents. But replacement children grow up under the shadow of the missing other, which shapes their development and their ability to be anchored in their own life force. A major identity issue confronting replacement children is the need to uncover and embody their authentic selves.

Our awareness of our personal identity develops over a lifetime. The universal quest centers on the question: Who am I, really? For the replacement child, identity is overlaid with obsessive thoughts about a dead family member they were conceived to replace. Replacement children may wonder: Who am I if I am not the golden child who will cure my........

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