Four-year-old Evan is completely potty independent at school. At home, he insists his dads, Glen and Ray, stay in the bathroom with him the entire time and pull his pants up and down for him, a task he is clearly capable of doing on his own.

This is a conundrum for families that comes up frequently in my practice: the child is capable of functioning more independently and confidently but they aren't because their parents are doing things for them that they can do themselves, setting up a pattern that persists.

What accounts for this difference in behavior from one setting to another?

Children make associations about themselves and their capabilities based on the nature of their relationships and the expectations inherent in those relationships. In school, teachers have clear, age-appropriate expectations that kids rise to. Their mission is to help children develop the skills and self-confidence to go off to kindergarten and thrive; to function independently in the way that is expected in elementary school. They are setting kids up for success. Accordingly, they aren't doing things for kids that they can do themselves. They are setting limits and creating opportunities for kids to develop those skills. Thus, kids come to see themselves as more independent and competent with teachers (and other caregivers they might have who set these kinds of clear expectations) than they do in situations where adults are doing things for them that they are actually able to do themselves.⁠

Glen and Ray instinctively know that this dynamic with Evan isn't best for him. Even though it's what he wants, what he needs is the confidence to perform this and other self-care tasks independently. But they don't know how to get him there. ⁠They have tried coaxing, cheerleading, rewarding, and gamifying. Nothing has worked. And, it feels mean to refuse to help him. They are stuck.
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To help Glen and Ray decide how they want to proceed, we go through the detective work to figure out the root cause of the behavior and what is best for Evan’s development. Here’s what we know:

Getting clear on this helps Glen and Ray develop a plan to recalibrate their relationship by creating the opportunity for Evan to see that he can be a capable, independent person while also having a loving,........

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