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Coercive controllers weaponize children and intend to fracture attachment with the protective parent.

Despite manipulation, a child's attachment to the protective parent may remain intact, though fragile.

Therapists can help protective parents be the steady, safe presence their child can return to when ready.

This post is intended to support clinicians in understanding the lived experiences of children exposed to coercive control, describe how coercive controllers manipulate children into compliance, explain why children align with the coercive controller (predatory parent), and provide evidence-based strategies therapists can recommend to help protective parents maintain and rebuild attachment with their children.

Understanding the Intent: Weaponization of Children

When a predatory parent manipulates and conditions a child—teaching them to distrust, fear, or reject their protective parent—it is an intentional act to weaponize the child. As Dr. Evan Stark explained, the child becomes a secondary victim, not because they are less important but because the primary target is the adult victim (Stark, 2024). However, this weaponization causes profound harm to the child's psychological well-being. It is an unacknowledged child abuse.

While many refer to this dynamic as "alienation," my work as a social worker and therapist has brought me to understand that this malevolent harm being inflicted goes deeper—it systematically undermines the secure attachment a child has with a healthy, safe parent. I call this the malicious fracturing of attachment (MFA).

John Bowlby (1969/1982) explicitly stated that attachment behaviors characterize humans "from cradle to grave," and both he and Mary Ainsworth (1989) maintained that attachment processes remain relevant to personality functioning across the entire lifespan. This establishes that attachment can be maintained, disrupted, and repaired throughout life. When one (predatory) parent is weaponizing a child and their secure attachment to the other (protective) parent, therapists must support the (protective) parent in their efforts to reignite or fortify a secure attachment. This is no easy feat, since our clients are often actively living in their own trauma. It is a battle the predatory parent hopes the protective parent loses.

Clinical Recognition: When Parents Present With Concerns

When protective parents present with concerns about their child's rejection or alignment with the other parent, therapists must recognize that the parent may be describing coercive control dynamics and the fracturing of secure attachment. These........

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