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Most people speak to themselves more harshly than they would to anyone else.

Self-compassion strengthens emotional resilience and internal security.

Writing self-love letters can fill the gap, replacing self-criticism with kindness and recognition.

In the weeks following Valentine’s Day, I ask friends and clients how they celebrated. While dinner out, chocolate, and flowers are common, handwritten cards leave the most lasting impact. Heartfelt words outlast wilted roses. People return to them, re-read them, and keep them for years.

There is a reason for this. Feeling loved is essential for psychological well-being and physical health. Research shows that emotional connection through close relationships supports resilience, protects physical health, and is associated with increased longevity (Baumeister & Leary, 1995; Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010).

How do we ensure we feel loved on the other 364 days of the year? What if the answer doesn't depend on anyone else?

The Relationship We Ignore

Most people are unaware of how often, and how harshly, they speak to themselves. I rarely hear clients say, "I love myself." It's almost always the opposite: "You're so stupid." "You messed up again." "You're so ugly." This becomes so automatic that it feels factual.

Our self-critical culture of comparison extends beyond passing thoughts. The American Society of Plastic Surgeons reports over 1.5 million cosmetic surgical procedures annually, reflecting the growing pressure to correct perceived physical flaws (ASPS, 2024). There is a constant push, across age and gender, to improve, refine, slim, tone, make-up, and reshape the face and body.

Of course, this quest has been going on for centuries. But the pace has accelerated, and the psychological toll is compounded.

So, how do we show ourselves love and acceptance in a culture that profits from our dissatisfaction?

The Most Important Love Letter

On my podcast, 7 On Sundays, a guest shared a deeply personal ritual that aided her recovery from bullying, an eating disorder, and an abusive relationship (episode 13, 2025). She shared, “I write a love letter to myself every night before bed, beginning with the words, I'm so proud of you for..." With this nightly practice, Chloe recognizes herself for things she might otherwise dismiss and she intentionally overrides the voices that tell her she is not enough.

I was intrigued and challenged myself to commit to this exercise for one month. I invited my clients to do the same. The words and experience were striking.

One mother shared this letter:

I love you so much. You are so kind and thoughtful and care so deeply...Thank you for being you. I don't need you to be special or extraordinary, I just need you to be present with you...I love you always and forever.

Similarly, I found myself writing, "You are worthy just as you are. You can stop pushing yourself so hard.”

I wanted to tell you that you have really shown up as a wife, mother, friend, and daughter. I'm grateful to see that you are finally showing up for your Self. I love you for growing…The growing allows for all of the good connections and loving relationships. Let's keep showing up together.

Forever Yours, With Love,

When I asked how the exercise felt, the responses revealed something equally important.

One woman said, "I don't love my physical appearance. I couldn't bring myself to love anything about that, and that makes me a little sad."

Another shared, "I felt comfortable saying those things to myself, and I believe in them more than ever...I think a little leveling up happened with the exercise that I really hope sticks with me.”

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Even when the words do not feel fully believable at first, the repeated practice creates something tender within.

Another woman added, "It feels like I'm writing this wishing my partner loved these things about me.”

This insight captures something clinically significant. For many, the loving words we write to ourselves are the very words we have been waiting to hear from someone else. But you can fill that gap for yourself instead of waiting.

Giving Yourself the Words You Most Need to Hear

This exercise highlights the fundamental human need for validation and emotional connection. Early in life, we learn to rely on others for safety and reassurance. When early attachments are secure, individuals are more likely to build healthy self-esteem. When attachments are inconsistent or insecure, self-confidence, emotional security, and self-worth are compromised.

Self-compassion offers a path to fill these voids. Psychologist Kristin Neff defines self-compassion as responding to oneself with kindness and understanding, especially during difficult moments (Neff, 2011). When people speak to themselves with intentional compassion, the internal voice that once judged begins to observe. Emotional reactions become less overwhelming and more manageable.

Self-compassion deepens self-awareness. When people are not busy defending themselves against their own criticism, they can see themselves more clearly. They recognize their needs, acknowledge their struggles, and respond in ways that support growth rather than shame.

With ongoing practice, people’s relationships with themselves begin to change. The dialogue that once undermined becomes a source of steadiness. Emotional security becomes less dependent on external reassurance and more grounded internally. These internal shifts also shape how people relate to others, allowing them to engage from a place of greater stability rather than an unmet need.

Writing compassionate words to yourself does not create self-worth, but it helps reveal what was always available.

The relationship we have with ourselves is lifelong, and its quality shapes everything. This self-love letter practice is not selfish or indulgent. It intentionally creates a more supportive and emotionally balanced internal environment. It replaces automatic self-criticism with awareness and care. This may be one of the greatest gifts we can give ourselves.

If you feel inspired, start by writing a few sentences to yourself each day, following Chloe’s, "I'm proud of you for..." prompt. Thank yourself in some capacity. Offer yourself the understanding you would offer someone you love deeply.

Over time, this compassionate practice began to feel more natural and is now something I look forward to at the end of the day. I plan to continue writing daily self-love letters, filling the gaps with my own compassionate words.

American Society of Plastic Surgeons. (2024). 2023 plastic surgery statistics report. American Society of Plastic Surgeons.

Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong, Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk, A meta-analytic review. PLoS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion, self-esteem, and well-being. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 5(1), 1–12.

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