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Watching TV together may feel comforting, but passive time rarely deepens intimacy.

Many couples lose the spark when logistical partnership replaces emotional connection.

Playfulness, exploration, curiosity, and shared purpose rebuild attraction and balance intimacy.

I have heard many couples in long-term marriages report, "It feels like the spark is gone." They are describing a gradual drift toward predictability and emotional flatness. Somewhere in the daily grind, lovers become logistical partners who co-exist. As schedules, finances, home maintenance, work stress, and parenting consume conversations, the relationship's vitality suffers.

The stakes are higher than most couples realize. While overall divorce rates have declined in recent years, gray divorce (the dissolution of marriages among adults over 50) now accounts for nearly 40 percent of divorces in the United States (Brown et al., 2024). Usually, these are couples who have built a life together, raised children, and weathered hard seasons. Yet at some point, they stopped enjoying each other.

In my work with couples, one of the first questions I ask is what they enjoy doing together on a regular basis. Lately, I hear the same answer: "We pretty much watch TV every night."

When most people hear the word intimacy, they think of sex. But intimacy is also a felt sense of closeness, with sexual intimacy being one expression of that closeness.

I like to describe intimacy as a wheel with multiple spokes: physical intimacy, playful intimacy, contemplative intimacy, curious intimacy, and purpose-filled intimacy. Each spoke represents a different pathway of connection. When one spoke is weak, the relationship may still move forward, but not smoothly. When several are neglected, the connection is unstable and wobbly.

Passive entertainment, including watching television together, may offer comfort or routine, but it does not deepen intimacy. As Jay Shetty observed, “If you and I watch TV together for 200 hours a year, we would potentially be no closer than we were before” (@Diary of a CEO, 4/1/25). Proximity is not connection.

Many couples assume the loss of chemistry means they have fallen out of love. Sometimes, they have simply stopped doing the things that create attraction in the first place. Shared novel, joyful, participatory, and meaningful experiences strengthen relationships. Research suggests that couples benefit when they do things together that feel engaging, growth-oriented, and emotionally alive (Muise et al., 2019). I find this takes conscious effort and deliberate shifts in how couples spend time together, at least initially.

Below are four forms of intimacy that help couples reconnect. As you read, consider which spokes may be imbalanced in your own relationship wheelhouse. I suggest couples look through this list and introduce a few activities into their week. Some will resonate immediately. Others may feel like a stretch, which is often a sign they are ones to focus on.

Why Relationships Matter

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Early in relationships, playfulness comes easily. Later, many couples may become so consumed by responsibility that they forget how to laugh together. Yet, levity and humor, even in small doses, can have powerful effects on relational health.

One of the simplest ways to invite playfulness is through music and movement. Dance interrupts routine and invites spontaneity, silliness, and sensuality. This does not require choreography or coordination. A 10-minute dance party in your living room is enough. So is swaying together to a favorite song or attempting a trending social media dance challenge.

We have good friends who love karaoke. At dinner parties, they sing and invite others to join. The performances are not award-worthy, but they communicate, "We feel safe enough to be funny, free, and unguarded with each other."

2. Contemplative Intimacy

Nature offers a relational reset that is difficult to replicate indoors. Contemplative Intimacy grows in unhurried moments when two people slow down and pay attention to the world around them, and each other.

Try coordinating regular outdoor time together, just the two of you. Take a walk, hike a trail, sit on a porch at sunset, or share a cup of coffee outdoors before the day begins. Meditate, notice your surroundings, and share a moment of stillness together. When the pace slows and the setting changes, so does the conversation.

My in-laws walked their neighborhood every evening after dinner, dogs in tow, regardless of the weather. Together they explored, talked, and greeted neighbors. It became a ritual they both looked forward to each day.

There is a reason therapists rarely begin sessions with “How was your day?” Curious intimacy is cultivated when partners ask deeper questions and genuinely listen to the answers.

Long-term love requires ongoing discovery. Conversation cards can be an excellent tool for this. They offer simple prompts that give couples permission to say things that rarely surface in ordinary conversations.

Recently, at a birthday gathering, my friends and I used conversation cards to move beyond small talk. We answered questions like, “What is a compliment you have never received but would love to hear?” and “What is the most rebellious thing you have ever done?” What followed was laughter, surprise, and new closeness, even among people who had known each other for years. For many couples, that kind of exploration is transformative.

4. Purpose-Filled Intimacy

Some of the deepest forms of connection emerge when couples stop focusing solely on each other and begin focusing together on something larger than themselves.

Volunteering, mentoring, helping neighbors in need, or engaging in community work can fortify couples as teammates with shared purpose. Ordinary routines rarely reveal a partner’s generosity, patience, or character the way service does. Seeing your spouse through the lens of contribution can elicit renewed admiration and tenderness.

Purpose-filled intimacy reminds couples that their relationship is a shared force for good.

Tune Into Each Other, Not Just the TV

Couples who want to reignite the spark might start by reconsidering what they call connection. Try replacing passive time with more participatory activities. The wheel of intimacy requires balance to sustain relational health.

If you still choose to watch a film or series together, use it as an opportunity to connect. Ask your partner afterward, What stood out to you? Which character felt most familiar? What did you agree with, and what didn't sit right?

Intentional presence, practiced consistently, is what lights the spark and keeps it alive.

Brown, S. L., Lin, I.-F., & Julian, C. A. (2024). Gray divorce during the COVID-19 Pandemic. The Journals of Gerontology: Series B, 79(2), 1–6.

Muise, A., Harasymchuk, C., Day, L. C., Bacev-Giles, C., Gere, J., & Impett, E. A. (2019). Broadening your horizons: Self-expanding activities promote desire and satisfaction in established romantic relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 116(2), 237–258.

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