Why Relationships Matter

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Everyone can have a intimate relationship that may or may not fit into the structure of marriage.

People come together to create a shared purpose for their lives through collaborative negotiation.

Collaborative negotiation requires equal participation from each partner.

This post is part 1 of a series.

We live in an era where building and sustaining a meaningful, intimate relationship within marriage has become increasingly challenging. This difficulty is rooted in our personal experiences and expectations, in societal expectations of marriage, in economic pressures, and in the scarcity of successful relationship role models.

As a society, we are embarking on a quest to change or abandon marital rules because they benefit men and women differently, and benefit married people over unmarried people. All people want to have an opportunity to establish intimate relationships that may or may not fit into the structure of marriage.

We need a new approach to creating an intimate relationship that captures the profound experience of spending a "lifetime" or, perhaps, "some time" together, which includes a commitment to each other. An intimate relationship is an emotional and physical bond between two people, typically involving love, romance, and sexual intimacy. Why make this commitment?

Historically, we called this commitment to each other "marriage," which bound men and women together to procreate, ensuring paternity and creating a stable society.1 From the mid-20th century, marriage has been the way we get our individual "needs" met. This has led to a transactional arrangement between the husband and wife that has come to define our most intimate relationships.

Alternatively, we can come together for the betterment of each other by creating a shared purpose for our lives together. Two people with individual preferences, perspectives, lived experiences, and limitations coordinate their decisions and actions with each other to construct outcomes that represent them both. Coordinating individual perspectives occurs through a process of collaborative negotiation, which is about discovering the shared purpose in your life together.

Marriage has been the way our society manages the natural tension that exists in an intimate relationship because each of you wants the best for yourself and simultaneously wants the best for your partner. This natural tension is not a conflict, i.e., it is not a bad thing. It is the push-pull between what you and your partner want as individuals and what you want for each other. It is the sense of caring for and about each other—it is the merging of individuality and togetherness.

This natural tension requires you to have the simultaneous perspective of being self-interested and other-interested at the same time. How well the two of you manage this tension will determine your individual happiness, your relationship satisfaction, and how long your relationship will last.

In the traditional form of marriage, the tension inherent in an intimate relationship is managed by designating the husband as the head of the household.2 He is the ultimate decider; ergo, the tension is resolved. It is assumed that the husband will manage the well-being of both himself and his wife. This arrangement is designed specifically to manage the natural tension between the marital partners. This is the structure of marriage that we are challenging.

Why Relationships Matter

Take our Can You Spot Red Flags In A Relationship?

Find a therapist to strengthen relationships

About Negotiating Collaboratively

Collaboratively negotiating is how you go about achieving individual goals, resolving differences equitably, managing conflicts, creating and sustaining a satisfying sex life, figuring out where you are on fidelity, thinking about having and caring for kids, and having committed careers and a satisfying home life. Negotiating collaboratively supports you and your partner in seeing yourselves as individuals and as a couple, cultivating the sense of "being in this together."

Collaboratively negotiating the things that are important to each of you requires that:

You each feel a special concern for the other—"every concern of yours is a concern of mine.”

The things that are important for you to flourish are wants that are negotiable; they are not needs, i.e., entitlements.

Being collaborative in negotiating means sharing authority–neither partner is privileged by gender, how much money they make, education, or title.

You are willing to negotiate in “good faith," i.e., in the best interests of each other and the relationship.

Successful collaborative negotiation allows couples to acknowledge the tension that exists in their relationship and allows them to have the things they want to flourish in their life together. Whatever structure you choose for your intimate relationship will require you to collaboratively negotiate to create a shared purpose for your life together.

A Heads Up About Collaboration

Here are some thoughts about what collaboration means.3

Collaborators are equal. True collaborators are always equals, and each partner accepts full responsibility for their part in both the process and outcome of negotiation.

Collaboration is not capitulation. Collaboration protects individual autonomy. Most of us have a (possibly subconscious) fear of being overwhelmed by someone and are reluctant to surrender any part of our individuality in a relationship.

Collaboration is not cooperation. Collaboration is about the process of working together, while cooperation is about the result of working together. For example, I can cooperate with you by stepping aside while you do what you want to do.

Collaboration derives from the unique qualities and contributions of the collaborators. If either of you does not participate as fully engaged and equal partners, it might as well be one person making the decisions.

Part II will outline the process of collaborative negotiation by showing you Sara’s and Lucas’ negotiating about their different preferences on a minor but important difference between them.

1. Desai, R. “Marriage is an Inherently Feminist Institution.” The Swaddle, July 31, 2019, (https://www.theswaddle.com/marriage-is-an-inherently-unfeminist-institution).

3. Coulson, C. “What is Collaboration?” Dynamic LivingTM (blog), October 2003. (http://www.santafecoach.com/dl/oct03.htm#parting)

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