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Look for how your history contributes to pain in your relationships. Ask yourself questions and take notes.

Reduce conflict by understanding the emotional logic of your partner and eliminating mean words or threats.

Love your partner but don't sacrifice what you need. Find some joy in other ways.

My partner, a retired surgeon, described what the acetabulum is in the human body: the cup-shaped socket into which the top of the femur fits. The femur is the thigh bone. The acetabulum (a·suh·ta·byuh·luhm) is on the outer sides of the large pelvis bone about two-thirds of the way down.

Both the acetabulum and femur head are lined with “articular cartilage”—slippery tissue that allows the motion of the bone in the socket to rotate smoothly. When both structures fit perfectly into each other, that cartilage creates a smooth, low-friction surface that helps the bones glide easily across each other during movement.

This is like the beginning of a happy marriage, when two people fit together well enough that their interactions cause only minor or transient pain for some years. When the bones don’t form so well during childhood growing years, they can develop an irregular shape. Then, because they don’t fit together perfectly, the bones rub against each other during movement as they age, eventually causing pain and limiting activity.

Document Your Own Childhood Wounds

That is a good description of how a marriage can deteriorate: after the early contentment has diminished, old and damaging childhood experiences surface and begin to impinge on the smoothness of the relationship, causing irritation and conflict between the partners, which can lead to pain, disillusionment, and sometimes divorce. Can we be smart enough to recognize that distress in our childhood eventually behaves like an overgrowth of bone that damages our connection to others and results in pain and distress? This is how you and your history contribute to the pain and conflict in your relationship. To some extent, childhood adversity shapes our identity, our self-esteem, and our fears and expectations of others.

We all grow up in less-than-perfect homes, with less-than-perfect caregivers. That means your psychological articulating cartilage doesn’t work perfectly all the time. To improve that, it’s helpful to know how you were shaped by your childhood. Think about the questions below and write down your notes:

How did you learn to cope with difficult emotions? Who and how much could you trust? How did you learn to resolve conflict? Were you able to compete? Was your self-esteem nurtured or were you too often demeaned and therefore carry a sensitive wound that can easily cause pain?

Dial Down Your Angry Dialogue

These formative experiences drive differences between you and other people. Having respectful conversations about those differences and helping your partner understand your past struggles is everything in how your relationships will go, so:

Try to understand the emotional logic underneath your partner’s point of view. There’s always a reason that makes sense in their internal world.

Lower the ugliness of the dialogue. Cruel, demeaning, and discounting words or threatening to end the relationship can create permanent damage that’s like growing excess bone that cannot be smoothed away.

The acetabulum is ringed by strong fibrocartilage called the labrum. The labrum forms a gasket around the socket, creating a tight seal that helps provide stability to the joint. This is like a firm boundary around your own identity. If you can remain intact as a separate person, know what you need, and accept that not everything you need can be given by your partner, your level of anger and resentment can be toned down.

Take our Relationship Satisfaction Test

Find a marriage therapist near me

There must be a compromise between pleasing others and pleasing yourself, just the way a ball and socket move together smoothly but are always unique and separate. To some extent, it’s up to you to love, understand, and support yourself. Here’s what can help:

Ask yourself what gives you joy, what nurtures you, and when you’re happiest. Pursue those experiences. The less you expect anybody else to do that for you, the greater your capacity for contentment, and the smoother your relationships will be.

Going through life withdrawn and alone is a recipe for depression. Make a point of nurturing not only your primary relationship but your important connections with friends and family.

Notice small, beautiful things around you—maybe it’s a 5-year-old learning to roller skate, her helmet, and knee pads Barbie pink, her tongue curled outside the corner of her mouth, her mom, keeping her safe next to her. Maybe it’s a dog running across a field in time to catch a frisbee before it lands, or maybe it’s a perfect, shiny red door to someone’s house. Noticing beauty can lift your mood and inspire you.

Focus on the present. Past regrets and future anxieties can interfere with enjoying current positive experiences.

You look after your body through exercise, good nutrition, and good sleep. When it comes to marriage, conflict is inevitable, and just as bones don’t stay strong without being stressed, resilience in a marriage doesn’t develop without tolerating some pain and disappointment in each other and embracing other avenues of meaning and pleasure.

© Psychology Today