The Fundamentals of Sex

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Most couples try to improve their sex life by working on sex. That is the wrong starting point.

There are three types of lovemaking: physical, emotional, and mental. Many couples focus mostly on one.

Better mental and emotional lovemaking results in better physical sex. This is relational math.

Sensuality does not equal sexuality. Widening how you make love expands your physical connection.

Co-authored with Galit Romanelli, M.A.

Ori and Maya are doing great.

They have been in therapy for a couple of months, working on the aftermath of opening their marriage. After more than 20 years together, feeling bored and wanting something else, they opened things up. It woke something in them, but, ultimately, brought more confusion and pain than connection. In therapy, we shifted the focus from how to have sex with other partners to how to make better love with each other.

In session, Ori tells us they had a big fight last week. This time, instead of clamming up and not talking for three days, they did something different. They stayed and talked it out. The following day they practiced sofa time, a technique we teach couples to deepen their friendship. They talked more openly. They got more vulnerable. They understood each other. And then, Ori says, they had the best sex they'd had in a long time. Maya smiles and........

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