Experiencing conditional love is the outcome of being taught conditions of worth. If you were taught conditions of worth earlier in your life, what you likely learned is that how you look is more important than how you feel, and that what you do is more important than who you are. Many clients I have worked with over the years who grew up in these types of narcissistic environments also expressed that they did not feel wanted or appreciated by their caregivers unless they were performing, achieving, or accomplishing.

Authoritarian caregiving is a main cause of learning conditions of worth. When things are “good,” you are praised for making your caregiver proud or look good. Yet, if you show human imperfection, you are harshly punished or shamed. These types of excessive demands and unrealistic expectations that may have been placed on you and learned as “normal” can be carried with you as messages of needing to be perfect, high achieving, or self-betraying in order to receive love or to be seen as good enough.

Romantic relationships based on conditional love can be........

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