The Fundamentals of Sex

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Strong relationships are not built on never having differences.

Desire differences are common, even expected.

It is incredibly rare for two partners to have perfectly matched sexual desire.

Research consistently shows that desire discrepancy is one of the most commonly reported sexual concerns.

One of the most common concerns I hear from couples is some variation of the same worry:

"Is it normal for couples to have different sex drives?"

"Why do couples lose intimacy over time?"

"What causes mismatched libido in relationships?"

"Can a relationship survive desire differences?"

"Why don’t I want sex anymore?"

"Why does sex feel like pressure in my relationship?"

And mostly what I find underneath these questions is the same base assumption: “My desire looks different to my partner’s, therefore something is wrong.”

Yet desire differences are common, expected even. It is incredibly rare for two people to move through life with perfectly matched sexual desire, that occurs at the same time, in the same way, forever. Research consistently shows that desire discrepancy is one of the most common sexual concerns reported by couples (Mark, 2015).

So why do we still see it as a personal failing rather than the norm?

The Problem Is Often the Script, Not the Desire

Sexual script theory suggests most of what we “know”........

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