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People say yes because saying no feels socially risky—especially when the request is made face-to-face.

Once you agree to help, you work harder than intended, and your effort is less appreciated than you realise.

Saying no at work is a skill set that can be developed, coupled with effective strategies for avoiding damage.

Early in your career, saying yes to opportunities at work can help you develop new relationships, greater exposure, and new skills. While these benefits may still hold at later stages of your career, chances are you receive more requests than you can manage. If you have found yourself overcommitted at work, it is likely you have berated yourself for taking on too much, or perhaps for poor time management skills. How would it change your perspective if you learned that saying no is harder than saying yes and that saying no is a skill set that improves with practice?

Research shows that people who ask for things at work systematically underestimate how hard it is for others to say no [1]. Further, when the request occurs face to face, declining can feel awkward, cold, or reputation-damaging, even when the request is unreasonable. One field experiment found that in-person requests were far more likely to receive agreement than email requests, precisely because refusal is harder in the moment [2].

This dynamic leads to a predictable pattern: Saying yes is the easiest option for now. The resulting stress, overload, or resentment comes later.

What happens after you say yes

Once people agree to help, they tend to exert more effort than the help-seeker expects or even appreciates [3]. This means that a simple “Sure, no problem” can quietly turn into hours of work, emotional labour, or cognitive load that no one explicitly asked for nor agreed to do. Importantly, this pressure is internal: No one needs to threaten you or try to make you feel guilty. Simply agreeing makes this outcome more likely.

In fact, it is not just the person asking for help who underestimates the amount of effort needed. Research demonstrates that our own estimates of the time required to perform a task are systematically low, even when we have done similar things in the past [4].

As a result, the real cost of saying yes often becomes clear only after you’ve already committed.

Why workplaces amplify the problem

Many workplaces reward responsiveness, teamwork, and availability. Those can be good values—but they also increase the guilt associated with saying no.

Nature’s coverage of scientists learning to reject requests captures this tension vividly. Amanda Cravens and colleagues describe experiencing guilt, anxiety, and fear of reputational harm when saying no, even to requests that undermined their core work [5]. They discuss needing emotional strategies to overcome the idea that they should say yes, or that they owed the askers something more than polite refusal.

The solution is not to become blunt or unhelpful. Nor is it to grit your teeth and simply refuse. Instead, research suggests a variety of strategies that can make refusals socially safe and effort-bounded, while preserving goodwill.

1. Interrupt the moment that creates pressure.

Because in-person requests are so effective at eliciting agreement, the first protective move is to give yourself space.

Instead of replying immediately, use phrases such as:

“Let me check my workload and get back to you this afternoon.”

“I want to think about whether or not I can do this well. Let me reply later."

This small delay shifts the decision from a socially induced reflex to a deliberate choice. It also reduces the interpersonal pressure that makes “no” feel hard in the moment.

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2. Replace “yes” or “no” with structured alternatives.

Research indicates it is easier to respond with a structured, limited approach in place of a refusal. Moreover, responses of this kind are viewed more positively than rejections [6]. For example:

“I can’t take this on right now, but here are some resources that will help."

“I’m not the right person for this, but I can introduce you to someone who might be.”

3. Don’t overexplain your situation.

One common mistake is using an emotional reply (e.g. “I wish I could”) or providing several reasons for your limited availability. Ironically, this can invite negotiation. Instead, anchor “no” in non-negotiable constraints. Say no early and firmly.

“I don’t have capacity this month."

“This clashes with a deadline I can’t move.”

4. Offer better “yeses” through intentional practice to develop skills.

Cravens and colleagues identified specific practices that not only strengthened their resolve to say “no” but improved the quality and value of the projects they did accept. They describe tools that helped them:

Define upfront criteria for the work you want to do (in their cases, for the year ahead).

Log each request for help. This develops a data-based overview that may surprise you with the sheer volume of asks you receive.

Record your decision to say “no” against each request that does not meet your criteria.

Meet regularly with others who are following the same approach for moral support.

Just as with the development of any skill set, over time you will find it easier to improve your ability to distinguish the clear “yes” decisions and effectively deliver the “no” verdicts without emotional turmoil or relationship damage.

Influence is achieving the outcome you seek

Workplace influence is not only a question of persuading others; it’s also a matter of navigating the social forces that in turn persuade you. The only way to have time for the things that really matter is to effectively say “no” to the things that don’t.

1. Flynn, F. J., & Lake, V. K. B. (2008). If you need help, just ask: Underestimating compliance with direct requests for help. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 95(1), 128–143.

2. Bohns, V. (2017). A face-to-face request is 34 times more successful than an email. Harvard business review, 11, 1-3.

3. Newark, D. A., Bohns, V. K., & Flynn, F. J. (2017). A helping hand is hard at work: Help-seekers’ underestimation of helpers’ effort. Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes, 139, 18–29.

4. Roy, M. M., Christenfeld, N. J. S, McKenzie, C. R.M. (2005). Underestimating the Duration of Future Events: Memory Incorrectly Used or Memory Bias? Psychological Bulletin Vol 131, No. 5, 738 –756. doi: 10.1037/0033-2909.131.5.738

5. Cravens, A. E., Nelson, R. L., Siders, A. R., & Ulibarri, N. (2022). Why four scientists spent a year saying no. Nature. https://doi.org/10.1038/d41586-022-02325-3

6. Tewfik, B., Kundro, T., & Tetlock, P. (2018, July). The help-decliner’s dilemma: How to decline requests for help at work without hurting one’s image. In Academy of Management Proceedings (Vol. 2018, No. 1, p. 11364).

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