Holidays often bring together people we rarely see—along with old dynamics we sometimes wish we could leave behind. Many people say they have a “narcissistic” family member they feel uneasy about encountering this time of year. And since narcissistic traits show up on a continuum from not at all to intense, that could be true. Before exploring holiday strategies, it helps to understand some of the different styles—if using the table analogy, flavors—of narcissism that clinicians and researchers describe.1

Just as different dishes can look similar while tasting wildly different, narcissistic traits can show up in ways that feel bold, subtle, sugary-sweet, acidic, or downright scorching. Recognizing the flavor can help you anticipate what you might be served—and how to protect your own palate.

Grandiose narcissism is the version most familiar to the public. It includes an inflated self-image, entitlement, low empathy, boldness, and attention seeking.2 A family member with these traits might sometimes dominate conversations or grow irritated when admiration isn’t plentifully supplied.

Interacting with a person with grandiose narcissism can, at times, feel like you’re responsible for keeping the mood upbeat—as if you’re their audience. That can include entertaining narratives that can feel far-fetched.3

This “dish” tends to arrive loud, hot, and steaming, taking up a lot of space on the table.

The vulnerable or “covert” style can be harder to identify. These individuals tend to be hypersensitive to criticism, insecure, quietly self-important, and often convinced they’ve been misunderstood or victimized.4 They can pull at your heartstrings.

People with vulnerable narcissism seem to struggle to hold onto internal stability,5 and reassurance rarely settles anything. Still, as a way to keep things calm, you might find yourself validating stories you don’t fully buy into.6 Your attempts to soothe can backfire, triggering an exchange centered on where you’ve supposedly gone "wrong."

If grandiose narcissism is the oversized entrée on the table, vulnerable narcissism is the delicate soufflé that collapses if you look at it sideways.

Communal narcissism centers on a belief in one’s own exceptional goodness. These individuals see themselves as unusually

© Psychology Today