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Adulting isn't one skill; it's many. Use strong skills to improve weaker ones.

Successful adulting often appears messy, not slick, due to hidden learning curves.

People may seem confident at adulting but might find it as awkward as you do.

We often misperceive what successful adulting entails, and that can stop us from bringing our A game. Good adulting requires strengths you might already have but feel hesitant to use. These myths may be reasons why.

1. We Believe Adulting Is One Monolithic Skill, When It's Many

When we meet people, we often meet them in their professional capacity. If they're a great immigration lawyer, book editor, or corporate pilot, if they seem extremely "onto it" professionally, we think they must be good at all other aspects of adulting. However, that's not always the case.

We're judging them based on the available info we have, which is our sample of their specialized skills.

Everyone's adulting skills look like an uneven graph, with peaks and valleys. We can use our high-bar skills more and bring up our lagging skills.

Don't be so ashamed of your lagging skills that you hold back from using either your best or worst skills.

2. We Believe Excellent Adulting Looks Slick, When Often It Looks Messy

A lot of life is about the hidden curriculum: the things you need to learn to succeed in an area that aren't widely publicized. Imagine you'd like to learn about:

Buying a car at auction that needs repairs but is potentially a good deal.

Different structures used in micro private equity transactions.

Side gigs rich people do that some senior people in your career also do (e.g., being paid to serve on corporate boards).

When it comes to discovering the hidden curriculum needed to succeed in these types of areas, we think people learn that cleanly and neatly, but it's not like that. Asking questions in person or calling around to speak to people we don't know, or don't know well, often leaves us feeling like amateurs when we're accomplishing the exact work most people avoid.

3. We Think Only Extraverts Excel at Asking Questions on the Phone or in Person

Much of effective adulting is asking the questions you want to ask but where you feel slightly held back, or taking actions that feel over the top in some way. For example:

A contract is being passed under your nose. You want to say you need a few minutes to read and digest it properly.

An approach a professional suggests sounds like what they think you want, not their expert opinion. You feel held back from probing.

Someone dismissively tells you "don't worry about… we've taken care of it," but you'd actually like some documentation. You take a walk-around video of a rental car before leaving the lot to document a preexisting scratch that isn't marked on the rental agreement, even though the agent tells you not to worry because they know about it.

We think only extraverts excel at social encounters like this, but there are all sorts of traits, strengths, and skills that can contribute to handling them well. For example, natural caution or conscientiousness, or a body of experience built up through decades of transacting with people in business contexts.

4. We Believe Other People Are More Confident at Adulting Than We Are

Often, people we perceive to be good at adulting, we also perceive as being confident at adulting.

Let's paint a picture.

Sasha meets with three doctors before deciding whether to have surgery on her foot.

Todd gets three quotes for a heat pump. One company offers the best price, another offers the best terms. He goes back to the company with the best price and asks them to match the other company's terms.

Jacqui interviews three therapists before selecting one.

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All our characters are following the widely touted rule of getting three quotes for any major repair or project. They're clearly good at adulting, at least in this case. However, we assume that because they're being methodical in ways many people would avoid, it's easier or less awkward for them than it would be for us.

That could be the case. This could be the type of challenge that Sasha, Todd, and Jacqui relish. Or, it could be just as uncomfortable for them as we'd find it, but they do it anyway.

5. We Assume Everyone Already Knows What We Know About Adulting

My neighbor and I recently happened to have a conversation about car insurance. In sharing what we each paid and some other details, we both learned a tip from each other.

We all carry more knowledge than we share. We assume if we know something, then other people must know it too. We gatekeep tips, tricks, and tidbits gained through experience, not intentionally, but because there's no obvious time to have a conversation about it, or for some other reason.

To create mutual benefit, we need to risk sharing something, even if the person might react like they already know or don't see the value in it.

Adulting Means Using Your Strengths Even When It Feels Awkward

Not recognizing your full set of strengths, including the subtle, boring, or rebellious ones, can be a convenient excuse to avoid the discomfort of adulting. When we acknowledge the strengths we possess (whether they feel natural or have been acquired through hard-won experience), it starts to feel like our responsibility to use them to be a more competent adult.

Don't expect to be this most competent version of yourself every minute of the day or every day of the week. No one is.

But look for proactive moments (like pursuing a stretch goal) and reactive ones (like handling a mishap) to pull those strengths out and use them.

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