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Moms are working harder than ever to meet societal standards grounded in “intensive mothering ideology."

Wine mom culture offers burnt-out moms a community of escapism, which is not of help in the long term.

Moms devoting all resources to their kids feel drained and de-individualized, making survival the goal.

Moms and their allies can fight for change, eliminating the need to "escape" in the first place.

Contemporary mothers—myself not excluded—are exhausted by the constant, futile pursuit of society's unmeetable expectations.

"Wine mom" culture offers much-needed community to participants who—together, alone, and across social media landscapes—celebrate alcohol as a means of temporarily escaping their stress-ridden lives. It works, at least in the short term.

In the long term, though, when an effective coping mechanism makes an unbearable system bearable (and, let's be honest, kind of "fun"), why would anyone fight for change?

What Exactly Are (Wine) Moms Trying to Escape?

Moms are expected to "do it all" without adequate support across institutional, policy, or community levels. Of course, the maternal mental health crisis is upon us. It is understandable why moms may take comfort in a glass of something cold, a community that "gets it," and a mass, destigmatized, rebranded-in-pink-glitter urge to disappear.

I wonder, though, what exactly are moms trying to disappear from? The whole mothering gig? One bad week? A burnt dinner?

When my partner and I decided to have children, I anticipated motherhood would have its challenges. What I did not anticipate was how thoroughly society's ideas around "good" mothering would infiltrate my values system. It happened ever so quietly, and with the stealth of a carbon monoxide leak: colorless, odorless, and extremely dangerous.

The belief system that has so insidiously woven its way into the fabric of our culture is "intensive mothering ideology," or IMI. I would argue that this credo, equal parts powerful and invisible, is the real villain of this story and the actual thing moms seek to escape—even if they have never heard of it.

IMI theorizes that a child's developmental outcome is entirely the product of maternal effort, devotion, vigilance, and self-sacrifice (Hays, 1996). It defines the "ideal" mother as one who devotes copious amounts of time, energy, and resources to her children; remains constantly available to them (physically and emotionally); and accepts primary responsibility for their overall development and well-being (Ennis, 2014).

IMI replaces moms' individual, holistic values with a blind devotion to the "more is more" mentality, one that is notably and negatively impacting the mental health of mothers and the children they are raising.

A (Very) Brief History of Intensive Mothering

The standards of "good" mothering that have fed into IMI have been passed down from generation to generation since the 17th century........

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