expand_moreexpand_lessexpand_moreexpand_less
|
 |
 |
The New Yorker : Daily Shouts |
When some of you asked if I’d record my thoughts as I hang by my fingertips over my impending death, I thought, Why not?
Have you considered “Six Hours a Day of MSNBC” on MS NOW (or Fox News, depending on your specific parents)?
Including “Brain-Rot Third Space” and “Based and Vibey.”
Marriage is hard; an arrangement is sexy, bold, mature. Getting married says, “I’m a romantic.” Having an arrangement says, “I know how the...
Spot on my neck: Cancer? 88% Yes. 12% More tests are needed, none of which are covered by my insurance.
Fuck, Marry, Kill: Income-tax returns, life-insurance policies, that folder explaining benefits that you received from H.R. when you were onboarded,...
But if you’re reading this and want to green-light one, please don’t hesitate to be in touch.
Make sure that water is always available to Blythe, but don’t freak out if she doesn’t drink much. Blythe believes that hydration is “a...
For A.1. to cause such fear is understandable, because many of us are not comfortable with condiments.
I spend two-ish hours messing around with an A.I. chatbot, as per the company’s new mandate, teaching it how to do my job so that it can replace me....
You can optimize your chances by insuring that you’re in the best possible position to get whacked in the face by wealth and prosperity.
We understand that downloading and re-starting your browser disrupts your workflow, but you weren’t working anyway.
Seventeen years’ worth of National Geographics, stacked by my father in order of “least to most erotic.” Price: $400.
Yellow polka-dot bikini: you were deeply affected by a Yoplait Light commercial as a youth and consider this suit to be the physical manifestation of...
Yes, I am odd, but I am still multifaceted.
The customer-service representative from whom I’ve been waiting for a callback for fifty-three hours will call me back one minute before I turn my...
In the real world, you can choose your meal plan: vegan, kosher, Sustainable, Totally Unsustainable, What Zendaya Eats in a Day, American Girl Doll...
Sure, rhythmic, pattering rain can help regulate your nervous system, and trigger your autonomous sensory meridian response, but me? I’m wet.
Orange-creamsicle lovers and a cult of soft-serve radicals, revealed.
It’s just an old habit for him to block the front door. If he’s stationed there, do not order delivery.
Times editors realized that, unless emergency procedures were initiated, the next day’s edition would contain not a single article about...
No one knows Marco Rubio’s age. It’s part of his mystery. So is his height. Look it up. No one knows.
I’d have dozens of packages shipped to me from USPSS, USP, and FidEx that only require my signature to obtain.
Married Man Still Able to Drink at Collegiate Level; Sloppy Eater Dog’s New Best Friend; and more.
The Committee continues to recognize National Pizza Day, but denies the petition for a distinct New York-Style Pizza Day.
Due to the technical or legal reasons, readability mode is not available for this article. Thank you for your kind understanding.
Our first goal, as with “60 Minutes,” is balance. Lake Mead has been on the north side of the Hoover Dam for too long. When we’re finished, it...
Following a review, I have decided to dissolve our relationship. This decision reflects a strategic realignment of my emotional resources and should...
How’s cash sound?
Featuring live-band karaoke and B.Y.O.T. (bring your own tortilla) Tuesdays.
Get down to Inbox Zero. Or at least Inbox 7,329, which would still be a big improvement.
Don’t believe what the other kids have to say; Dad is the one to tell you about the importance of Stephen Sondheim.
Speak now, muse, of the ministrations of Damon, friend of Affleck and foe of Kimmel, who bravely grew out his beard for a year.
If you focus on writing a thousand words a day, you won’t feel overwhelmed by the fact that you’ve been trapped in a submarine for the past year...
To run for office in New York, you must play pickleball with the guy they call Zohran the Man and be able to wear a yarmulke, a crucifix, and a...
Random things that I somehow convinced myself I desperately need.
Each one of our lucky clients will be expertly matched with a Skarsgård sibling, which are indeterminate in number.
Now with even shorter fuses!
Light twelve lanterns and give yourself a mop-top haircut if it seems like more of a cultural invasion.
The Overton window of bonkersness has shifted so far that songs like “Still Stabbin’ ” sound Sinatra-esque.
He was very complimentary. People tell me, “Mr. President, you put the fear of God in God.”
PAST: Bodysculpting. PRESENT: Looksmaxxing. FUTURE: Vibeplundering.
Meet my exes, including Mr. Natural Deodorant and Mr. Conspiracy.
Standup Comedian: Yes, it pays less than minimum wage—and that’s if you get paid—but, on the bright side, you’ll get lots of blurry photos of...
The man with the fife was good at getting rid of Hamelin’s rats. What, the townspeople wondered, could he do with the children?
Literally any mom might see me.
You taking an after-dinner stroll? BAM—I hit you with my floodlight. You taking out the trash? BAM—floodlight again.
Under its new director, Bob’s Insane Asylum is seeking residents out rather than just sitting back and waiting for them.
Post-surgery cone preventing you from licking your wound and other fun? Why not download Dogible?
While most ballroom dances are in 4/4 or 3/4 time, all of the Trump ballroom dances will be in 7/4. Think Pink Floyd’s “Money.”
login
who are we?
contact us
qosheapp
