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The New Yorker : Daily Shouts |
A luxurious candle probably can’t undo years of terrorization brought on by massive hormonal swings, but it’s worth a try!
If you want my honest opinion, no boy will ever be good enough for my princess—is a thing I’d say if I didn’t acknowledge that “princess” is...
I have no idea why my daughter doesn’t talk to me. I’ll stop “rewriting history” when she stops remembering her childhood wrong.
Get your coupons ready. Here comes Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride to the Urologist and the Tunnel of Nap.
A shredding event should be festive, like a carnival, with balloons and cotton candy and a bluegrass band.
“The Heffatrump,” said Owl, “lives in a Huff. At least, he does in warm weather. In winter he moves to a Snit.”
Here are a few things I’d rather do than log in to a portal: Get three mosquito bites. Drive all the way to Encino to have something notarized.
Spring is here, and with it sightings of the Great-breasted Hausfrau, the Pot-Bellied Galoot, and the Common Nanny.
Some people sin and vote and criticize others who are the President or Vice-President, which they shouldn’t do, and that’s why Jesus likely died....
In what you assume is a sign of your body’s imminent total collapse, your eyes are now itching and watering.
The plots of these shows usually center on a murder, which occurs not so much to end a human life as to inconvenience our star, who must postpone a...
Work as a team as you and other dads chat about pro sports, college sports, kids (and their sports), while avoiding eye contact, politics, and any...
We need Directors of Manual Automation Sales Development who roll up their sleeves and type one singular e-mail every day in which they pass off their...
Experience feeling totally disconnected from the people around you.
I will wear the perfect amount of sunscreen so that I don’t look like clown-faced Mark Zuckerberg on that surfboard or red-faced Mark Zuckerberg at...
I think it’s best that I stay here cradling these baby squirrels. That’s pretty much all I’m capable of doing right now.
If one of your friends is studying to be a therapist, it’s your wife and she’s thinking of leaving you.
Mornin’, tech brothers and sisters! Come take a walk on our information super country road.
Many people are eager to warn you of the body horrors caused by pregnancy, but no one tells you what’s going to happen in the months (maybe years?!)...
Post vague quotes about self-realization that are universal, but ultimately mean nothing. For instance, “Follow your own light,” with a picture of...
Ever wondered why “I’m with Stupid”? Let me explain.
Over the years, I’ve begun to feel like a piece of furniture.
Operation Trump: The War, Operation Gulf War III, Operation Venezuela 2: Atomic Boogaloo, and other runners-up.
Hi, your dad’s friend Bill here. Neither your father, nor I, knowing very little about you, have any confidence that you can be expected to handle...
To keep March Madness interesting, why not go with your mom’s alma mater? Or the college with a celebrity’s kid?
My thirteen-year-old daughter needed a dress for a wedding, so we went to Aritzia in the Short Hills mall.
I decided I would give my children a traditional spin on Pop-Tarts. I started with the first step of any traditional recipe: screaming.
“I’ll most likely be able to get there a little after 8!” = Bring granola bars. You’ll eat your first bite of dinner at 9:17 P.M.
Internal memo: Meet our new suite of A.I.-optimized losers and douche bags. Although they are fully agentic, we’re sure they will annoy you in all...
“I Turned $10 Into $1,000,000 in One Week—Here’s How!” What it actually means: I very slowly added five zeroes and two commas.
It totally screams “Maya,” because she’s within driving distance, last I heard, so I probably won’t have to pay for shipping.
When clock radios, film cameras, and the Yellow Pages ruled the world.
It’s so important to care about your health, and you’re so clever to check!
Dang, no lashes left behind with this curler. It even reaches those tiny corner lashes. Lifts, separates—the works. Also, the first time I used this...
Hold up . . . do you even own an oven mitt?
“Keeping Cough,” “Theraphonia,” and, oh, yes, “polio”: common ailments in the age of R.F.K., Jr.
In this comedic short, the new Wordle producer derives immeasurable joy from watching people fail.
Think you know what reading is? Think again. Test-driving The New Yorker’s newest technological breakthrough.
Your partner’s exes can get inside your head—and they might just enjoy a few mimosas while they’re in there.
Some women seem to have it all. How do they make it look so effortless?
Zeph McDonough takes a tour through the Annual Great PUPkin Dog Costume Contest, and talks to its quirky participants.
The Most Interesting Man in the World judges ideas for The Talk of the Town.
In a funk: They couldn’t help but notice that the over-all vibe of the online chatter was negative.
How do you expect someone to find love, when they don’t even know what love is?
If you are deemed attractive while sitting on the toilet, call the police. You are being spied on by a pervert. It might be time to plaster over the...
Make noise. A lot of noise. Imagine you’ve just encountered a bear.
You’re going to love my ability to nod and smile while people awkwardly thank me. White bread, straight ahead. That’ll be my slogan.
He knows your rhythms, your insecurities, your REM cycle—your cycle. He’s made himself needed, and now you don’t exist without one another.
Your interest in baking is a lie, although your interest in baked goods remains very much true.
What kind of mischief and mayhem can five mysterious letters cause?
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