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The New Yorker : Daily Shouts |
In the real world, you can choose your meal plan: vegan, kosher, Sustainable, Totally Unsustainable, What Zendaya Eats in a Day, American Girl Doll...
Sure, rhythmic, pattering rain can help regulate your nervous system, and trigger your autonomous sensory meridian response, but me? I’m wet.
Orange-creamsicle lovers and a cult of soft-serve radicals, revealed.
It’s just an old habit for him to block the front door. If he’s stationed there, do not order delivery.
Times editors realized that, unless emergency procedures were initiated, the next day’s edition would contain not a single article about...
No one knows Marco Rubio’s age. It’s part of his mystery. So is his height. Look it up. No one knows.
I’d have dozens of packages shipped to me from USPSS, USP, and FidEx that only require my signature to obtain.
Married Man Still Able to Drink at Collegiate Level; Sloppy Eater Dog’s New Best Friend; and more.
The Committee continues to recognize National Pizza Day, but denies the petition for a distinct New York-Style Pizza Day.
Due to the technical or legal reasons, readability mode is not available for this article. Thank you for your kind understanding.
Our first goal, as with “60 Minutes,” is balance. Lake Mead has been on the north side of the Hoover Dam for too long. When we’re finished, it...
Following a review, I have decided to dissolve our relationship. This decision reflects a strategic realignment of my emotional resources and should...
How’s cash sound?
Featuring live-band karaoke and B.Y.O.T. (bring your own tortilla) Tuesdays.
Get down to Inbox Zero. Or at least Inbox 7,329, which would still be a big improvement.
Don’t believe what the other kids have to say; Dad is the one to tell you about the importance of Stephen Sondheim.
Speak now, muse, of the ministrations of Damon, friend of Affleck and foe of Kimmel, who bravely grew out his beard for a year.
If you focus on writing a thousand words a day, you won’t feel overwhelmed by the fact that you’ve been trapped in a submarine for the past year...
To run for office in New York, you must play pickleball with the guy they call Zohran the Man and be able to wear a yarmulke, a crucifix, and a...
Random things that I somehow convinced myself I desperately need.
Each one of our lucky clients will be expertly matched with a Skarsgård sibling, which are indeterminate in number.
Now with even shorter fuses!
Light twelve lanterns and give yourself a mop-top haircut if it seems like more of a cultural invasion.
The Overton window of bonkersness has shifted so far that songs like “Still Stabbin’ ” sound Sinatra-esque.
He was very complimentary. People tell me, “Mr. President, you put the fear of God in God.”
PAST: Bodysculpting. PRESENT: Looksmaxxing. FUTURE: Vibeplundering.
Meet my exes, including Mr. Natural Deodorant and Mr. Conspiracy.
Standup Comedian: Yes, it pays less than minimum wage—and that’s if you get paid—but, on the bright side, you’ll get lots of blurry photos of...
The man with the fife was good at getting rid of Hamelin’s rats. What, the townspeople wondered, could he do with the children?
Literally any mom might see me.
You taking an after-dinner stroll? BAM—I hit you with my floodlight. You taking out the trash? BAM—floodlight again.
Under its new director, Bob’s Insane Asylum is seeking residents out rather than just sitting back and waiting for them.
Post-surgery cone preventing you from licking your wound and other fun? Why not download Dogible?
While most ballroom dances are in 4/4 or 3/4 time, all of the Trump ballroom dances will be in 7/4. Think Pink Floyd’s “Money.”
Physically resembling a crossbreed of a gremlin and Stephen Miller’s soul, the Gray-Legged Tick can be found wherever it is even moderately...
The easiest way to inform people that you are literary is by hosting a reading series. You’ll want yours to have a catchy premise.
If you are serving as your friend/parent/boss/partner’s unpaid therapist because they refuse to get a licensed one, you are entitled to invoice them.
I think Cryson’s W.N.B.A. hatred is just a glitch, but what an annoying glitch!
We’re not trying to make excuses here, but bang length can significantly alter one’s perception of a face’s shape and proportions.
I take a mental health walk and call my mother. I then take another mental health walk.
Pity the poor large language model!
The ovenbird’s two-syllable, passionate cry can sound like “Tea-CHER! Tea-CHER! Tea-CHER!” increasing in volume with each repetition. Or was it...
May God have mercy on our millennial souls.
Don’t worry—we have the most brilliant scientists in the world working to make sure it’s not in the Cuisinart mixer’s best interest to kill us all.
“You will read this once this afternoon and not again until you’re in your fifties, but, by that time, I will have already died, alone in my...
The sun never sets on the Vulgarian Empire.
“Brandy,” Dr. Feldman says, carefully, “when he says that the sea is his lady, what do you hear?”
You have a penchant for pinning your sleep partner beneath your full weight, which has suddenly shifted entirely into the leg or arm you’ve draped...
A luxurious candle probably can’t undo years of terrorization brought on by massive hormonal swings, but it’s worth a try!
If you want my honest opinion, no boy will ever be good enough for my princess—is a thing I’d say if I didn’t acknowledge that “princess” is...
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