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The Bookless Club: Do you cook with alcohol? Any tips?

Jane Macdougall: Let's bring out the weird alcohol.

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You know what’s taking up a lot of real estate in my house? Weird alcohol. Stuff people have either given to me as hostess gifts, or stuff I bought while on holiday.

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Liqueur de calamansi.

I’ve had a bottle of Screech — Newfoundland’s high-octane, regional rum — collecting dust since I don’t know when. Screech is the sacrament used in a “screech-in”, whereby a non-Newfoundlander is made an honorary Newfoundlander after knocking back a shot and then kissing a cod.

When I was introduced to Bermuda’s national drink, the Dark ‘N’ Stormy, I could hardly wait to get back home to re-create subtropical libations for friends. The authentic recipe insists upon both the Gold Seal and the Black Seal Gosling’s rum. I was persuaded to buy both to re-create a bona fide version. Both bottles are still in my liqueur cabinet. Both are about 7/8th full.

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What can you do with unwanted alcohol? Of course, you could just start drinking as there’s lots in life that warrants full-fledged alcoholism. But what sort of example would that set the children? In a pinch, you could use vodka to defrost your windshield. It works perfectly, but you’ll never be able to stand for public office if anyone photographs you in the act of dousing your car in booze. No, there have to be better solutions.

I found that solution in the kitchen! It turns out that alcohol is an excellent culinary secret weapon. And if you’re worried about incidental consumption of alcohol, don’t. Most of the potent component of alcohol dissipates in the process of cooking or baking.

Did you know that vodka makes for a flaky pie crust? It will also bump up the texture of your shortbread cookies. The chemistry relies upon how alcohol works to help fat and water bind together. If you want to add a certain je ne sais quoi to your cakes, consider substituting half of the liquid in the frosting with rum — coconut rum is especially nice, or brandy, limoncello … whatever you like. You can even use up the dredges of a bottle of red wine along with a tablespoon of orange liqueur to make a sangria icing, as well. This pairs incredibly well with a chocolate cake.

I noticed that the Costco brownie mix I always have on hand has a sangria brownie recipe on the box. It, too, is just a simple substitution of red wine for some of the liquid. Everyone loves brownies, but sangria brownies, if nothing else, sound a little bit more sophisticated.

Almost any meat lends itself to a generous addition of booze. Famously, beef bourguignon benefits from a glug of dry red wine like pinot noir, chicken is no stranger to beer, and steaks love a shot of whiskey in the marinade. Deglazing any pan with alcohol will always produce a heavenly sauce, so now you have an excuse to keep that bottle by the stove. Booze along with a big pat of butter, and you’re a culinary legend in the making.

I’m currently working on burning through my icewine collection. Poached pears bloom in icewine, and this high-sugar content wine works wonders in a Dijon glaze for vegetables.

Options abound. So, now, when someone asks how you like your scotch, you can reply: Baked!

Jane Macdougall is a freelance writer and former National Post columnist who lives in Vancouver. She writes The Bookless Club every Saturday online and in The Vancouver Sun. For more of what Jane’s up to, check out her website, janemacdougall.com

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This week’s question for readers:

Question: Do you cook with alcohol? Any tips?

Send your answers by email text, not an attachment, in 100 words or less, along with your full name to Jane at thebooklessclub@gmail.com. We will print some next week in this space.

Last week’s question for readers:

Question: Do you have an example of how language failed, either catastrophically or amusingly?

• Many moons ago, I took a German course at UBC. I had spoken German when I was little, but had lost most of it. The patterns of the language and the pronunciation came easily to me, but the vocabulary not so much. One day, my mom is cooking dinner with the fan on and I’m in the next room studying. I called out to her, “Mom, what does “wieder” mean?” She calls back, “Again,” and I called, louder, “What does wieder mean?” She responds, “Again.” This went on much longer than it should have before she came around the corner and said, “Cindy, ‘wieder’ means again!”

• As a teacher I always try to encourage good manners. One young student was requesting something but didn’t use “please”. When I asked him what’s the magic word, he thought for a moment and with all sincerity replied “Abracadabra?” The only time in 40 years I got that answer. It still makes me smile to remember that moment.

• At my first job in Fort Langley, when I was 13 years old, the boss told me to start “5 to 9” the next day. Wanting to make a good impression, I stood outside and marched in proudly at 8:55 a.m., ready to work. The owner stared at me like I’d just dropped in from another planet and said, “You realize it’s 5 p.m. to 9 p.m., right?”

• Your story made me laugh and reminded me of the time my mom asked my brother what time he was going to be home. He replied 6:30-7. To which my mom replied, “Wow! Denny, you’re so precise!”

• A British classic is “four candles/fork handles” by the Two Ronnies. I loved your medical reference. As a doctor arriving in Canada, I found abbreviations differed, for example: ICU for ITU. Sometimes the same letters had different meanings in different fields. Some chats were strings of acronyms. I call them BA’s — bloody abbreviations.

• Before dinner at my grandmother’s house 75 years ago, we bowed our heads and closed our eyes for grace. The words sometimes changed, but Grandma always included the line, “Bless this food for its intended use. Amen.” My young ears heard: “Bless this food and the tomato juice”. I always wondered why tomato juice needed special mention but never asked.

• Our adventurous 20-year-old son embarked on a sailing adventure with a buddy who happened to own a small, four-person sailboat. The goal was to transit the Panama Canal, reach Peru, and go mountain climbing. After several mishaps en route, including a demasting, my husband received a phone call from our son asking if it would be OK if he bought an outboard motor. My husband, not realizing they had a small dingy on board, said, “But what would you put it on?” To which he heard the answer, “American Express”.

• I had a friend who occasionally misspoke in the most amusing ways. For example, instead of “varicose veins,” he would call them “various veins”. And once he warned us to beware the “March of Dimes”. My favourite was his story about the fantastic Thai island where he vacationed, an island that had all the “extinct” birds.

• Some years ago, my husband and I were at lunch with a friend. The server asked our friend if he would like the soup or salad? Our friend answered, “Yes please.” To which the server asked, “Which one?” Our friend answered again, “The super salad!” This exchange went back and forth a couple of times until the server clarified: “The soup OR salad?”

• Little Kate was travelling on rail and looking out the window. Several deer were gathered in a nearby field. “I saw a pack of deer,” Kate exclaimed. “Herd, Kate”, he corrected, “Herd”. “No, really,” was her anguished reply, “But I saw them!”

• I enjoyed your article on our funny English language very much. It proved again that English is a landmine for those trying to learn it. Two of my favourite confusions are:

1. A fat chance of something happening is the same as a thin chance of something happening.

2. Polish and polish are pronounced differently once capitalized.

• ROW, as in a row of beans.

ROW, as in argument or fight (different pronunciation).

ROW, as in to row a boat.

ROE, as in fish eggs (pronunciation same as ROW of beans).

ROWE, as in a person’s surname.

Talk about confusion trying to understand the English language.

• I am reminded of the story about a newspaper editor who insisted that the word “news” is plural. As the story goes, he telegraphed a foreign correspondent asking, “Are there any news?” The reporter responded, “Not a new.”

• I didn’t grow up celebrating Christmas as a holiday and was ignorant of the tradition of giving gifts in boxes. I used to wonder what people do on “Boxing” Day. The term implies that after being super nice to each other on “Christmas” Day, people put on their boxing gloves and beat each other up senselessly the day after. Barbarians.

• While living in England some years ago, I needed to arrange an appointment to have the boiler for the central heating serviced. Taking up a recommendation, I got hold of the technician (engineer), and asked when he could come by. “After tea time”, he replied. Tea time? I don’t even drink tea. “OK, so … what time can you come by?” Local custom had “tea time” somewhere around 4 p.m., I learned that day.

• In central Zambia, I accelerated my car across the bridge over the Luangwa River after passing through a military checkpoint. As I scooted off the bridge I heard the clumping of boots as a soldier ran out of the bushes waving a rifle. “Are you a Russian?”, he shouted. I jammed on my brakes. The soldier asked where I was going in such a hurry and why I hadn’t stopped for inspection. I realized that he had shouted: “Why are you rushing?”

• My boss and I got new iPhones when Siri was first introduced in 2011. My boss was always an early adopter of time-saving measures, and so began dictating texts almost immediately. The first dictated text I received from him read, “I’m eating salmon ten.” I was obviously confused, but eventually realized that he had actually asked Siri to send me a text saying, “I’m meeting Sam at ten”.

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