There are weeks when the Torah portion gently suggests an area of spiritual improvement. Then there is Ki Teitzei, which contains 74 mitzvot and reads as though Moshe suddenly realized he was running out of Deuteronomy and still had an alarming amount of material to cover.

War. Marriage. Divorce. Rebellious children. Lost property. Roof railings. Unpaid wages. Forbidden relationships. A mother bird. Amalek. Who may marry whom. Who may not marry whom. What happens when marriage goes wrong. Frankly, all it lacks is a seven-minute timer and a message saying, YOUR NEXT DATE IS READY.

Which brings me, inevitably, to CoronaCrush.

For those unfamiliar with CoronaCrush, it is virtual Jewish speed dating, presumably invented by people who looked at ordinary Jewish dating and thought: This isn’t stressful enough. Could we add a countdown clock?

The format is brutally efficient. You meet a succession of Jewish men online, each for seven minutes. Seven minutes to establish attraction, compatibility, religious outlook, geographical feasibility, relationship goals, and whether there is any conceivable universe in which you would willingly share a bathroom.

This time I had four dates.

Twenty-eight minutes.

There are chicken breasts that require longer consideration, although admittedly I wouldn’t date one of those either.

Ki Teitzei seems the appropriate Torah portion for the occasion because, according to Chabad, it........

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