In “Ten Days, Ten Traits: Take the Marriage Challenge,” the first blog in my three-part From “ME” to “US” Marriage Renewal Series, I invited each of us to identify the negative character traits we may bring into our marriages.

As Yom Kippur approaches, I want to return to one of them—anger.

Because when anger becomes a repeated presence in a marriage, it can be among the most destructive forces to the “US” we are trying so hard to build.

And because anger does not stay with the person who is angry.

It lands on the person we married.

Anger can arise in moments of frustration, disappointment or disagreement. But from a Jewish perspective, the challenge is not to accept anger as simply “the way we are.” It is a middah that demands our attention—particularly when its expression causes pain to the person closest to us.

If anger is one of my Marriage Challenge traits, the first step is to own it.

But ownership also means understanding its impact on the person I married.

“What has my anger been like for you?”

“How has it affected you—and our marriage?”

“Has it changed how safe, secure and respected you feel with me?”

Then comes the most important part:

And especially without responding, “But you…”

This conversation is not about deciding who was right. It is about giving your spouse the opportunity to honestly tell you what living with your anger has been like.

Has it caused hurt or humiliation? Made it harder........

© The Times of Israel (Blogs)