My stepmother of twenty-five years passed away suddenly on Shemini Atzeret in 2022. She was healthy, vibrant, and full of life. None of us expected to lose her so soon.

As I traveled from my home in Connecticut to spend shiva with my father in Maryland, I realized something I had never fully understood before: losing someone close changes you forever. As a friend told me, “The pain never goes away and there is a hole in your heart. You just learn how to carry it.” There is a “before” and “after” when experiencing the death of a loved one, and once you’ve crossed that threshold, you become much more aware of how people respond to grief.

As we move away from Tisha B’Av, a period of intense mourning, and begin the month of Elul—a time for reflection and personal growth—it’s worth asking ourselves: How can we become better at comforting those who mourn?

Judaism gives us beautiful halachot for nichum aveilim (comforting the mourner). We know not to begin speaking until the mourner does, and we know the traditional words of comfort. But beyond the halachah lies the human experience. Most of us want to help. We simply don’t always know how.

After reflecting on my own experience and speaking with others who have walked this path, several lessons stand out.

The overwhelming message I heard was simple: come.

Whether you’re a lifelong friend, a coworker, or someone the mourner only knows casually, your presence matters. Mourners remember who showed up far more than they remember exactly what was said.

If you truly can’t attend, call or send a text. Even a brief “I’m so sorry. I’m thinking of you,” lets someone know they are not grieving alone. And if you can’t make it, resist explaining how busy or overwhelming your own life has been. A mourner should never........

© The Times of Israel (Blogs)