“Everything you do for me, you take from me,” words that were shared in the context of elder care services at a recent conference.  I must admit that I looked at those words on the screen and felt a series of emotions.  The first was a recognition that the words are true and the second, a desire to explain, to justify that “doing for someone” is showing that you care and that you want to make life easier for them.  In this case, without question, both things are true.

As people who care for elders, we rush to pick up the paper that fell from their hands, to reach the object they are stretching to grab.  We see them self-propelling a wheelchair down a hallway and we say “Here, let me help you.”  Or we, with the best of intentions, invite them to sit down in a wheelchair rather than walking slowly with a walker.  “Sit down,” we say kindly, “this will make it easier for you.”

Whether you are an elder care professional or not, these instincts remain the same.  We want to make it better, simpler, less complicated. But as we reach out to do, we take the ability away from the one we are trying to help. When we try and do more and more for an elder, they have no choice but to do less and less.  And with that “less,” comes diminished abilities and diminished independence.

When we have young children and do everything for them, they inevitably reach a point (the terrible 2’s!) where they will push to do things for themselves.  I can still hear the stubborn baby voices saying loudly and insistently “ME DO! ME DO!”  As parents we learn to let go, to support them as they try and to encourage them as they succeed.

Our older adults are often too polite to object.  With our staff they show their respect for authority and with family they defer, not wanting to cause distress.  They may also not have the ability to voice their objections or may even be grateful for the help.  Regardless of the circumstances, the truth remains the same, when we are quick to “do something,” we diminish the elder’s ability, we diminish their desire and we decrease their sense of autonomy and personal power.

“Everything you do for me, you take from me,” is an unsettling statement for those of us who work with elders.  It forces us to question our actions and to confront the choices that we make every day.  It brings our focus sharply onto what we do and why we do it, understanding that truly caring for older adults sometimes means we have to stand back and both allow and encourage them to do what they can.  It means we have to remember that, even if it comes from a place of love, our actions may be harmful rather than helpful.

Older adults are entitled to human rights, civil rights, respect and preferences.  That’s a lesson we have to not just learn, but to take to heart, both for the elders of today and for our own futures.

© The Times of Israel (Blogs)