There were many times I wished my mum would die.

They were mostly when she was crying out in pain in the last two months of her life, her body withering from the ravages of that damned cancer and the light in her eyes gradually dimming. But however fervently I wished that it would all end quickly, just as she did, I was in no way prepared for what a hole her death would leave in our lives, and what pain those left behind would suffer as a result.

Nicole Kidman accepts the international star award for Babygirl during the 36th annual Palm Springs International Film Festival awards gala last week.Credit: AP

So when Nicole Kidman made an emotional tribute to her late mother as she dedicated her newest award to the parent she said shaped her, guided her, and made her what she is today, all of us who have lost mums knew instantly what she was going through.

Her beloved mother, Janelle, died in September last year, so for Nicole the grief will still be suffocating, overwhelming. We could see that in her face, of course, in the tears she wiped away, in the tremble in her voice.

She might well be celebrated these days as one of the world’s great actors, becoming in 2024 the first Australian to earn an AFI Life Achievement Award, but her tribute was a performance as visceral and genuine as any she has ever done for the cameras.

“I’m sorry that I’m crying,” she said at the 2025 Palm Springs International Film Festival on Friday (US time) as she accepted the award for her new movie Babygirl. “I didn’t want to do that. But I feel my mum right now, so this is for you.”

Last year, at the Venice Film Festival where she’d won the best actress award for the same film, she left early on hearing of her mum’s passing. “My heart is broken,” she said afterwards.

At Palm Springs, she made up for it. “I didn’t get to do it at the Venice Film Festival,” she said. “Thank you for giving me the chance to say this is for my mum. My whole career has been for my mum and dad … They’ve given me the resilience, they’ve given me the love, and they’ve given me the strength to keep moving forward.”

© The Sydney Morning Herald