“How many sex therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One — but the light bulb has to really want to change!”

Our instructor, whose name tag read “Crystal”, had the kind of vim and verve usually associated with cruise-ship directors. She then stood up from the chair behind her desk … and kept on standing for what seemed like hours. Her long legs were finely shaped and fishnet clad.

With increased longevity, from honeymoon to tomb can now be 50, 60, 70 years. That’s a long time to find each other’s boudoir repertoire compelling. Credit: ISTOCK

“Right! Who knows the basic ways to please a woman?”

I put my hand up. “Not snoring or playing golf constantly or telling her she looks fat in stretch Lycra.”

Crystal gave me a smile so intense it could irradiate soft fruit, and I feared detention. She then explained to the eight couples gathered in a dimly lit suburban living room that what we needed was “communication, emotional landscape and an erotic portfolio”.

My beanbag, which was attempting to eat me alive, was so tatty and cheap it must have been made from imitation vinyl. So why was I here on a wet Wednesday night, listening to Enya and inhaling essential oil fumes with random, sweaty........

© The Sydney Morning Herald