Now that we’ve come to our census, let’s have a NAPLAN for grown-ups

August 12, 2026 — 7:30pm

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Well done, Australia. We managed to pull together on a wintry Tuesday night to declare, in the national census, our sexual identities and whether we’re practising or nominal Jedis. Now that we’ve proven our ability to answer mildly invasive questions under bureaucratic pressure, it seems logical to expand the project into tracking our emotional and social intelligence. An adults-only NAPLAN, anyone?

It makes sense – we’re so busy worrying about the next generation’s declining literacy and numeracy levels, we’ve forgotten to track our own brain rot. The kids will be all right. They’ll probably have AI plugged into their skulls as superintelligent, planet-saving beings whose only weakness will be forgetting to charge themselves overnight like an EV.

It’s we, the adults, who doomscroll through TikTok uninhibited, knowing full well it’s turning us into Neanderthals. Here’s a sample question that could be included in the adult NAPLAN, inspired by a recent Macca’s drive-thru with my kids:

When greeting a customer in a retail scenario, the correct........

© The Sydney Morning Herald