Haters be damned: Donald Trump just keeps on winning. He won the inaugural Fifa peace prize last year and was presented with the completely real, totally not made-up “Man of the Century” award at a recent rally. The president has also spent the greater part of a decade claiming he was once crowned Michigan’s Man of the Year: a fantastic achievement considering there is no such award and Trump has never lived in Michigan.

But despite his many trophies, there is one honour that has proved elusive: the Nobel peace prize. Trump holds a bit of a grudge about that, recently terming Norway a “shithouse country” for passing him over for the award. In response, the country’s tourism board highlighted some of its nicest public lavatories with the tagline: “Norway makes shit houses great again!”

Speaking in my capacity as Philadelphia’s Woman of the Millennium, I’ve got a modest proposal for the people of Norway. The toilet gag was excellent, but if they want to do some top-tier trolling then I think next year’s Nobel peace prize needs to go to Melania Trump.

Some people would be thrilled for their spouse to be in the spotlight, but I’m not sure that’s the case with Donald. Indeed, the president has said: “You can only have … one star in a family; it doesn’t work with two.” If Melania got Trump’s coveted Nobel peace prize, it could spark a war in the White House.

But look, I’m not just suggesting the Norwegians honour Melania because it would raise Donald’s blood pressure. No, it seems Melania has become quite the diplomat. Last week, the White House announced that the first lady had “successfully secured a ceasefire between Russia and Ukraine, localized to the city of Oleshky”.

How on earth did she manage that? Apparently, Melania initiated discussions with Russia and Ukraine and “aligned the parties on the agreement’s objectives, technical........

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