It’s 2026, and no one has just one job anymore. We’re all micro-influencers, personal assistants, self-caregivers, and rideshare drivers who resell feet pictures on the internet so we can afford groceries. And in that very small way, we all have something in common with Secretary of State Marco Rubio.

Did I say Secretary of State? I meant Secretary of State, acting national security advisor, former acting administrator of USAID, former acting archivist of the United States, substitute Press Secretary, occasional wedding D.J., and Interim Chief of the Federal Department of Active Consular Command.

OK I made that last one up, but I give it two weeks before it’s on his Wikipedia page. It still sounds better than the Shield of the Americas, right?

This week Rubio has even been on Pope duty, talking to Pope Leo XIV about the situation in the Middle East. This is good because it makes JD Vance mad, but bad because God might smite us as a nation for torturing the pope.

The point is, there are two main things to be known about Marco Rubio:

He has disproportionately long ears—once you’ve seen it, you can’t unsee it.

He has a disproportionately long list of jobs.

In each of those roles, Marco Rubio has big shoes to fill, and it’s pretty clear that he can’t fill them literally or figuratively. And those are all........

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