School holidays inevitably mean more squabbles. Longer days together, less structure, and more sharing (of toys, screens, space and parental attention) all lead to children demanding you referee fights and arguments.

“Alice took my Minecraft book!” “Rohan called me an idiot!”

So how can we respond fairly to a fight (even if we didn’t see it), and help our children learn to sort things out themselves?

Be nearby to support, not to act as the judge

Research suggests children learn best when adults offer fairly minimal support, and encourage kids to resolve conflict themselves. These squabbles are excellent practice for the conflict we all face throughout life, and the more we step in, the fewer chances children have to build these skills.

So it is helpful for adults to be nearby and available, but not stepping in to directly manage the situation every time.

Only jump in with immediate intervention to ensure safety: “We don’t hurt each other’s bodies”. If things escalate or are one-sided, it might also be time to step in. For example, “We don’t speak to each other like that”.

When you’re pulled in to a dispute, resist running a court case. Rather than........

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