The EU is putting on its bravest face, with European Commission President – and the bloc’s de facto unelected monarch in all but crown – Ursula von der Leyen declaring the bloc is fully equipped to weather US President Donald Trump’s latest tariff tantrum – a fresh 20% slap on EU imports. Markets were clearly moved by this rousing display of confidence – so much so that the Euro Stoxx 50, the Eurozone’s top blue-chip index, is currently tracing a pattern that closely resembles that of a skydiver who forgot to pack a parachute.

“Europe holds a lot of cards. From trade to technology, to the size of our market. But this strength is also built on our readiness to take firm countermeasures,” von der Leyen said.

Ah yes, the EU’s strength is so formidable that Brussels had to advise citizens to share showers to conserve energy after decisively cutting off Russian fuel – only to later import it discreetly, like a teenager sneaking in past curfew.

Can the average EU citizen expect more of the same kind of ‘firm countermeasures’ their leaders are famous for? Like the one that mandated twist-off bottle caps to be tethered to the bottle so you get hit in the face with every sip in order to spare the earth from being crushed under the weight of rogue caps that managed to escape their fate en route to the recycling depot. Or the kind of countermeasures that attempt to stick it to Russia by trying to regulate the temperature that Europeans should tolerate to reduce energy use. Because nothing says ‘take that, Putin!’ like........

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