Does sex seem more satisfying for your partner than it does for you? Do you give pleasure, but not receive it? You may be a victim of the orgasm gap—snappy branding for a shabby situation.

The disparity between orgasm frequency in American women and men was first observed in a 1953 Kinsey Report called “Sexual Behavior in the Human Female.” The preeminent sexologist Alfred Kinsey found that while nearly all men in the study had experienced an orgasm before marriage (whether through masturbation or with a partner), 36 percent of women had not. 

This century, men still report higher rates of orgasm than women across all age groups. They climax 70 percent to 85 percent, while women fall in the 46-58 percent range. But what about orgasm rates in other kinds of couples? Are both partners regularly reaching the finish line?

I decided to find out if there’s an orgasm gap between lesbian partners, trans people, gay men, and all the other beautiful arrangements of identity, sexuality, and relationships. 

Gay men can have an orgasm gap, too

Gender norms can work hard against women’s pleasure, according to Angie D. Lee, a relationship therapist and intimacy coach. 

While gendered beliefs about sex negatively affect us all, the pressures around female performance in a cis-het relationship can really seep into bedroom dynamics: Women are expected to perform their sexuality in a certain way and look good while doing it. That heightened awareness is what Lee calls “spectatoring”—that is, observing yourself from the outside—and it can draw women away from the sexual experience. Combine spectatoring with a general societal neglect and misunderstanding of female bodies, and it’s no wonder there’s a pleasure gap between men and women!

When women chronically can’t come, it’s called “female orgasmic disorder,” or anorgasmia. This condition has been attributed to a variety of deeply individual causes, including medications like SSRI anti-depressants and hormonal changes. Diabetes can damage the nerves of our erogenous zones. A lot of these causes recall the root causes for erectile dysfunction, which I wrote about last month. Like erectile dysfunction, psychological and relational factors like anxiety, depression, or a history of sexual trauma can also play into orgasmic disorder.

(Read: Erectile Dysfunction is Common. Here’s How to Navigate It.)

Gender norms, performance pressure, and health can affect other kinds of couplings, too. When I mentioned my orgasm research at dinner recently, two of my dear friends, Ibby and Chris, chimed in from across the table. They’re both cisgender gay guys from Atlanta. For them, the pleasure gap manifests in how long it takes to come. 

Ibby orgasms quickly and........

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