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New Money, Old Crest: Inside the Manufactured Aristocracy of the Modern Wedding

What happens to a marriage once the imported lineage wears off?

Editor’s note: Every family invents a little of its own mythology—some more literally than others. In this archive “Isn’t That Rich?” column, Richard Kirshenbaum tours a summer of manufactured lineage: fabricated family crests, a Balmoral-themed wedding for a bride from South Orange, a rented castle in Scotland. As Observer reflects on succession, Kirshenbaum’s column is a reminder that inheritance isn’t always about the crest. Sometimes it’s just the pigs in blankets. This article was originally published on May 4, 2017.

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The New 1% Royal-Style Wedding

As the barely audible houseman poured the Ott at the home of my friend Charles-in-Charge Card, the tech lothario, I saw something that resembled an 18th-century vellum-bound book resting on the thick slab of his white marble kitchen island.

“Are you catching up on your Shakespeare or is that an invitation from Buckingham Palace to meet the Queen?” I raised an eyebrow.

“It’s so and so’s son’s wedding invitation,” he stated, mentioning a filthy rich Greenwich financier who is central casting for the show Billions.

“Word has it they rented a famous castle in Scotland [not real location], and it’s a weeklong extravaganza—a hunt, fly fishing and then the main event, the wedding.”

“Why Scotland?” I probed.

“The mother of the bride said she wanted a Balmoral theme.” He shrugged.

“How appropriate for a recently minted Queen…from Queens.” I chortled. “Is that a newly invented family crest I see?” I walked over and fingered the wax seal emblazoned below the return address.

“It looks pretty realistic.” He shrugged and downed a glass of 1942 as one of his model girlfriends walked into the kitchen in a thong and a wife beater, not caring who was observing her backside.

“A crest for Sir Henry of Hedge, by way of the Belt Parkway.” I laughed. “Who is the son marrying?”

“Not exactly Pippa Middleton, but the mother of the groom had her PR person fabricate a family tree for her soon-to-be daughter-in-law. She hails from South Orange, New Jersey, and now finds herself a descendant of William of Orange, hence the Scottish theme.” He laughed out loud.

“Are you going to attend?”

“Honestly, I have no idea why I was invited. I barely know him and have never met the son but my motto is ‘if they’re paying, I’m going.’ ” He casually mentioned the fleet of rented aircraft and Range Rovers transporting guests to this fully paid Scottish vacation/destination wedding.

“There’s only one problem…” He had the server open another skyscraper of tequila.

“I’m not sure I feel comfortable wearing a kilt. Do you wear boxers, briefs or go commando?”

“I think commando,” I suggested. “But how would I know? No one really wore kilts in the Five Towns.”

Every girl dreams of being a princess on her wedding day, and now that it’s May,........

© Observer