The older I get, the more I suspect that peace of mind is less about solving our problems than about becoming selective about the problems we are willing to call ours. Some problems require courage. Some require patience. Others require us to stop pretending that our involvement is indispensable.

Constant Availability

This is difficult in a society that has turned constant availability into a moral virtue. We must answer messages promptly, explain our decisions fully, repair relationships we did not damage, and remain emotionally available to people who may not extend the same courtesy to us. A person who does not respond is considered rude. Someone who refuses to explain themselves is considered arrogant. The person who walks away from an argument is often assumed to have lost it.

We have made peace conditional on winning.

Family And Adjustment

Consider the family. We like to believe that our families are held together by love, but most are held together by the extraordinary ability of one person to absorb everybody else’s discomfort. This person remembers birthdays, manages resentments, smooths over disputes and makes the phone calls nobody else wants to make.

Indian families have a long history of treating adjustment as a virtue. It has helped people survive difficult circumstances. But an adjustment has a way of becoming a permanent obligation for the person least willing to create a scene. A daughter-in-law must adjust. A younger sibling must adjust. A parent........

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