Estrangement between parents and their children is surprisingly common – this is what research says about making such a difficult decision.

Sarah first cut ties with her mother just days after her 21st birthday. "I was getting really angry," says Sarah, whose name has been changed to protect her identity. She ended the relationship during a furious phone call.

The fact that her parents had been too busy to celebrate her birthday was one thing. But there was more than that. Sarah was fed up with her mother's coldness, self-absorption and disinterest in her life. She belittled Sarah's education and constantly pressured her to help out on the family farm. Most of all, Sarah was hurt by her mum's failure to protect her from her controlling and sometimes abusive father.

For two or three years, Sarah had no contact with her mother, who also never reached out to Sarah. "It felt quite liberating," recalls Sarah.

However, when she eventually decided to move overseas, Sarah didn't want to leave things on a sour note and got back in touch with her parents. They were unrepentant, acting like nothing had happened, she says, and over the next couple of decades, further periods of estrangement followed.

Many argue that estrangement from family members is on the rise, but the data to support that is hard to find. It is surprisingly common, according to the data that does exist. And the decision to break up with your own parents is a big one.

When, then, is it the right thing to do and is it likely to make us happier, or wiser? Ultimately, what do our parents owe us – and what do we owe them?

There's relatively little research on estrangement, says Lucy Blake, a senior lecturer in psychology at the University of the West of England and author of No Family is Perfect: A Guide to Embracing the Messy Reality. "It's still taboo," she says. "It's quite a scary topic that people don't want to talk about. They think it's just something that happens to other people."

One study published in 2022 using data from a survey of more than 8,500 people in the US revealed that 26% of them had periods of estrangement from their father and 6% from their mother during a 24 year period. This included some people who still saw their parents on occasion. A similar study of 10,200 people in Germany found 9% of those who responded had experienced estrangement from their mothers and 20% from their fathers across a 13 year period.

In another US survey of 1,340 people detailed in a book published in 2020, sociologist Karl Pillemer of Cornell University says he found that 10% were currently completely estranged from a parent or a child – having no contact at all.

But as there is no data following up with people who have been estranged over long periods of time, it is hard to know whether this phenomenon is becoming more common. Some researchers like Pillemer, however, believe it is.

"In the generations prior to the baby boomers, there was a very strong norm of family solidarity – that blood is thicker than water. Those norms have weakened," says Pillemer, who argues that this is not necessarily a bad thing. New familial norms, such as non-married partnerships and childless couples have become more acceptable over time, too, he notes.

Joshua Coleman, a clinical psychologist who works with estranged families and who has written several books on the topic, agrees. He adds that rising individualism may also drive estrangement.

"The culture of individualism is a preoccupation with one's own self, one's identity, one's own happiness," he argues. "And so our relationships with other people are considered secondary." Studies suggest that older parents in the US are more than twice as likely to have a bad relationship with their children as parents in slightly less individualistic countries such as Israel, Germany and the UK.

Coleman argues this is further amplified by social media. It's becoming easier to find your own tribe of like-minded people online, and many influencers encourage us to cut ties with "toxic" people.

The increasing use of therapists has also played a role, he argues. And not always for the better – some therapists may, for example, "diagnose" family members with psychiatric conditions without even meeting them, after hearing just one side of the story. This, however, flies in the face of ethical rules in the fields of psychiatry and psychology. Coleman says he's met many adult........

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