Are you bummed you weren’t around when the Stasi ruled? Do you wish you could’ve been one of Mao Zedong’s millions of neighborhood snitches? Maybe watch the Red Guards drag off your least favorite aunt?

Not to worry, the bad old days are back — thanks to Nextdoor.com.

On Nextdoor all you have to do is sign up, log in and start profiling everyone on your block. Teenager in a hoodie walking on your street? Lock your doors. Black guy with a backpack standing on the corner? Call the cops.

Just last week on Nextdoor, someone in the Hamptons posted a front-door video of a teenage girl and wrote, “Does anyone recognize this young woman?” Yes, her mom did: “She is selling cookies to raise money to go on a high school trip. Shame on you. … Not everyone is a thief, or a bad person.”

You’d never know it on Nextdoor. The hilarious podcast “I’ve Had It” found this one the other day: “I’ve seen a suspicious person now numerous times,” someone posted. “Aged mid-50s and white … Drives a luxury car but never seems to go to work. … Not sure how this person affords to do this … Hence, I’ve reported him to the IRS … Stay vigilant!”

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And it’s not just Nextdoor. Aspiring vigilantes can also gather on Facebook and WhatsApp neighborhood groups and start whispering campaigns. You want to take America’s temperature? Lurk around on a few of them to see how petty and judgmental we can be.

There’s a Nextdoor user criticizing the paltry size of some of the Halloween candy being handed out “in a town with the fine reputation of Rancho Cucamonga.” There’s the vegan couple complaining about the smell of their neighbor’s barbecue invading their “meat-free radius.” (Is there a kale-free radius?)

One time, a homeowner was alarmed that someone spilled baked beans in her mailbox: “Is this a gang thing?”

Yes, the deadly Van Camp’s Vipers.

Occasionally, I try to swim against the madness. A woman who lives near me posted that “some guy just stopped his car, rolled down the window and took a picture of my house. Probably casing it for a robbery. I’m calling the police.” I replied, “Or …........

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