Last year, a specific archetype for an ideal boyfriend gained traction online: a Man in Finance. Trust fund. Six-foot-5. Blue eyes. What began as a playful TikTok song from creator Megan Boni became a viral sensation — endlessly memed and remixed until even David Guetta hopped on the track. Aside from its earworm status, “Man in Finance” winked at a wider trend in dating: the standards for what women desire in a romantic partner have reached new heights. Boni later said she was inspired by the complaints of women, herself included, who lament singledom “but then have this laundry list of impossible needs.”

It’s not just heterosexual women who are accused of having impossible standards for their male partners. Certain men seem to harbor a very specific fantasy of how their female partners should look and behave too: look no further than the popularity of the “tradwife” or the fact that late last year, actor Sydney Sweeney was labeled “mid” by a bevy of online male commenters. If Sweeney isn’t good-looking enough, one might wonder, then what woman is?

It should go without saying that maintaining some sort of inventory of qualities you’re looking for is mostly beneficial when choosing a partner. These ideals provide a loose sketch of the type of person you want to date and how you’d like to be treated. There was a time, in the not-too-distant past, where the standard most appropriate for women to have was, “Can he provide enough to ensure we won’t be destitute?” Now, with more freedom, daters want to ensure they align with their partners on values and worldviews. If not, they’re empowered to walk away.

The issue, experts say, is that people who, in theory, want romantic partnership may be delaying commitment until they find a potential partner who checks all of their boxes — even about the most minute things.

As online dating entered the mainstream, licensed marriage and family therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw observed more clients feeling “disposable” to other singles, all the while becoming just as dismissive of those they were dating. “They might have been thrown away,” she says, “but their behavior is often very much throw-away behavior. They won’t see it that way. They’ll see it as their standards are really high.”

However, singles might end up disappointed when no one measures up. According to a 2019 Pew Research Center survey, among both straight and queer Americans who reported difficulty dating, 43 percent said it was because they failed to find someone who meets their expectations. “I don’t think that people are realistic at all,” says Daphney Poyser, the CEO, matchmaker, and head dating coach at LGBTQ matchmaking service Fern Connections. “People just think that I’m gonna meet my Prince Charming … and we’re gonna live happily ever after. And it just doesn’t work that way.”

What men — and women — want

Prior to the 20th century, marriage was largely an economic decision and whether or not a prospective spouse could provide, either financially or through unpaid labor, was perhaps the most important romantic standard. Though society — and laws — have changed to allow women to earn an education, own property, hold jobs, and live independently, pairing off with a “provider” remains attractive to women. Over the last 30 years, women have consistently said they value male partners who have good financial prospects, socioeconomic status, ambition, and intelligence.

Why I reported this

Many of the straight single women I know have expressed a similar sentiment: “All the guys I’m dating kind of suck.” These are smart, beautiful, successful women who feel like the dating pool is full of duds who can’t answer a text or initiate an actual date. Meanwhile, TikTok is full of talk about red flags and not settling for the “bare minimum.” I wondered: Is it that important to you that he opens the door or pays for the date? So I decided to talk to some singles to find out what’s happening with........

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