Maintaining lots of eye contact in a conversation is generally considered a good thing. But we've all been on the other end of an interaction where the other person stares directly into your soul with intense and unflinching eye contact. It feels uncomfortable and even aggressive.

On the other hand, many people struggle to hold enough eye contact. It could be due to something as simple as being shy or anxious, or it could be related to a condition like social anxiety or autism.

So how can we thread the needle and make enough eye contact to build rapport, trust, and comfort with the people we're talking to, without making either of us uncomfortable? Communications expert Vanessa Van Edwards may have a solution.

Vanessa Van Edwards is one of the foremost experts in body language and communication.By Taylor-winnie-bk/Wikimedia Commons

Van Edwards recently appeared on the podcast The Diary of a CEO and shared her rule of thumb for how, and more specifically when, to make eye contact during a conversation.

"Eye contact is a power move when you look at someone at the end of your sentence," she said.

That's it. It's that simple. Before that, you can feel free to let your eyes roam naturally.

She explained, "We like it when someone is actually accessing different memories or areas of their brain," noting that moving our eyes is a natural part of that process.

"But then when I end my sentence and look right at you you're like [Woah!]" she said. "Highly competent people make eye contact specifically at the end of their sentences to drill a point."

Brilliantly, you can see Van Edwards use the exact technique she's speaking about as she describes it. It comes across as very natural, charismatic, and powerful in the moments when she does choose to engage eye contact, like an exclamation point at the end of her sentences. It also appears fluid and human as her eyes drift to the side, up, or follow her hands as she gestures. There's no robotic eye lock-on.

Van Edwards said picking the right moments is more important than the total amount of eye contact, adding, "The worst advice I hear 'experts' give: Make more eye contact. Make 100% eye contact. It's awkward. They've studied this, the ideal amount of eye contact is between 60-70% of the conversation."

She added that doing more than that amount may be seen as a territorial or aggressive gesture.

Body Language Expert - Vanessa Van Edwards Mastering Eye Contact: The Secret to Powerful Communication Discover the transformative impact of effective eye contact in conversations. We reveal why ending sentences with direct eye contact enhances connection and influence, along with expert tips on utilizing body language cues like the lower lid flex for deeper engagement. #EyeContact #BodyLanguage #EffectiveCommunication #PowerfulPresence #SocialSkills #NonverbalCues #EngagementTips #CommunicationStrategies #LowerLidFlex #Influence

Nearly a million people viewed the short clip and many commenters found the advice extremely helpful:

"This woman came out of nowhere and is speaking to my soul"

"I do this naturally. That's so cool. I couldn't possibly maintain eye contact when explaining something."

"Finally, an eye contact advice that makes sense"

"That makes me feel so much better. This is exactly what I do 100%. I've always felt like there was something wrong with me."

Eye contact while you're listening is just as important. And Van Edwards has a simple trick for that, too.

"One of my favorites. It's called a 'lower lid flex,'" she said. It's a simple narrowing of the eyes, as if focusing on an object in the distance, that signals to the person talking that you're engaged and making an effort to understand what they're saying.

"Boy oh boy do we like it when someone is lower lid flexing at us," she added. "It's a great power cue to use in moderation."

Two men talking on a street. Photo credit: Canva

This is a great trick for people who feel awkward or uncomfortable holding passive eye contact while listening. It gives you an action to do, a way to move your face and body, while signaling interest and focus rather than disinterest, which might be indicated by looking away.

Another popular technique utilized by people who don't like holding too much prolonged eye contact is the "triangle technique." It involves letting your eyes move between someone's eyes and mouth in a triangle shape, or between their eyes and a spot on their forehead for a less intimate approach. This method allows you to keep focus on the person without feeling the searing intensity of non-stop eye contact.

Eye contact doesn't come easily for everyone, but no matter where you're starting, improving the skill has tons of benefits. It helps you bond with others, become more memorable to new people you meet, and project confidence. And with Van Edwards' advice, it's more approachable than ever, even if it's not something that comes naturally to you.

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