Sometimes I wake up in the night disturbed by dreams of James Bond. Surely, you might say, that’s the point of him; a man of such raw sex appeal that he can break the somnial boundary of women all over the world. But these aren’t sexy dreams about Bond’s past; they’re nightmarish visions of his future – Bond in the modern British public sector.

Picture it, 007 walks in for his briefing with M. The process is not the quick-witted sparring of classic Bond but a long PowerPoint presentation complete with a quiz at the end to show he’s been listening. Miss Moneypenny doesn’t ‘feel comfortable’ booking Bond flights because of the carbon output, so he finds himself on a rail replacement bus service. It transpires that his mission, the highest use of the British deep state’s most dangerous asset, is to eliminate someone suspected of misgendering the employee of a Citizens Advice Bureau in Broadstairs.

007 is made to sign disclaimer forms and narrowly escapes strangulation by rainbow lanyard

007 is made to sign disclaimer forms and narrowly escapes strangulation by rainbow lanyard

There are plenty of action scenes. Bond faces an HR manager who makes Rosa Klebb look like Mr Fezziwig. Ninety per cent of his Q scenes involve the signing of online disclaimer forms. He narrowly escapes strangulation by rainbow lanyard. These dreams are all the scarier because, like other horrors (such as ‘ice-breaking exercise’ or ‘Lucy Powell, Education Secretary’), they are grounded in reality.

The rumour mill is again in full pelt about the next Bond film. Producer Amy Pascal has promised ‘something really different that is stirring and exciting and different’. If she........

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