There are some pretty big differences between me and my girlfriend. She is from Aotearoa, I’m from Queensland. She is 10 years younger than me. She loves Marmite and loathes Vegemite; I hold the reverse and correct opinion.

But probably our biggest difference is in our attitude to the internet. We are in what is called an offline/online gap relationship. She hates her phone so much. She treats it like a sometimes food, often has no idea where it is and, when she does have it, it’s not charged and has a haunted aura. In her dream world she wouldn’t have to own a phone and could just communicate via telepathy or little birds and woodland creatures passing occasional messages. Often her loved ones get in touch with her via me, and I often am messaging friends she is with to get a message to her.

Her relationship to her phone is even more extreme in comparison with mine. I treat my phone as though it’s been soldered to my hand in some sort of terrible but fortunate accident. It is my miracle infant that I love playing with for hours and hours.

I........

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