There are now three certainties in life: death, taxes and Keir Starmer becoming prime minister within a year. A coalition of panicked Tories and bored contrarians push back at this inevitability in public: the unthinkable has triumphed recently more than once, they coo. Perhaps, but perhaps not if you’re 20 points behind with an election months away and your strategically hapless leader wears a permanent, awkward grimace proving that even he knows the game is truly up.

This reality has prompted Starmer allies to dream of a whopping Labour landslide. The prize for doing so? Not something as parochial as transforming the country – boring! But rather a massive majority would be seen as a chance to definitively bury the Labour left, as one former Blair and Starmer speechwriter proclaimed in the Times. The Starmerites worry that a small majority would give a “Corbynite rump” leverage. Their preference is a landslide that would give loyal apparatchiks licence to make solemn speeches about “tough choices” – the sort of people who would vote for the King Herod (Infant Streamlining) Act if party whips demanded it. I, for one, can’t wait.

In truth, Starmer’s icepick-wielding allies may not risk a scenario where a small section of Labour left MPs could influence his agenda. They’ve already stitched up party selections to keep out candidates who believe in dangerous, extremist nonsense,........

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