The year is 2018 and Pete Hegseth has just come back from his summer holidays. Hegseth, who is still just a Fox News host, not a defense secretary keen on ordering possible war crimes, has grown a nice little beard during his time off. He is hoping his bosses at Fox might let him keep the facial hair, even if it’s just the moustache. He seems to think it makes him look quite dapper. Alas, some of his viewers disagree.

A woman called Patti writes in to Fox & Friends urging him to get that “fur” off his face. A viewer called Mary bemoans the fact that “all American cute” Pete now looks “awful”. People on the internet joke that he looks like a duck hunter. And then a final humiliation: Hegseth’s co-hosts cackle as his vacation beard is lopped off by a barber live on daytime TV. “A man without a beard is like a lion without a mane,” a Fox fan called Michael commiserates. “That’s how I feel!” Hegseth wails.

Speaking in my capacity as an armchair psychologist, I believe this demeaning de-maning may have left an indelible mark on poor Petey’s soul – and explains his obsession with other men’s facial hair. Since he can’t have a beard himself, he seems........

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