This is an important announcement from the Australian Department of Monocultural Affairs. To preserve our way of life the following regulations will be implemented forthwith.

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Saxa salt is now compulsory on every dining table. No more of that woke, pink Himalayan stuff, which we know is directly linked to the transgender insurgency. Black pepper is to be removed from supermarket shelves, replaced with white, in keeping with Australian values.

Soy sauce is prohibited. It's Asian and it's swamped our traditional meals. It encourages the speaking of Mandarin during the evening meal. Tomato sauce (pronounced "mardasorss") is henceforth the officially recognised Australian accompaniment to any dish.

Banh mi is banned. We warned about this in 1996 but no one listened. Now our streets are overrun with these shops selling their addictive crusty rolls with foreign fillings. We want a return to our traditional takeaways with their endless varieties of fish and chips, chips and gravy, chips and battered savs, chips and potato scallops, chips and Chiko rolls and chips on shoulders. All served with a hefty shake of Saxa salt, a squeeze of vinegar (white, of course, not that brown balsamic rubbish) and mardasorss.

We've never met a good Muslim and we've never eaten good Middle Eastern food. So tabouli, humous, falafel, kebabs, harissa, shawarma, baba ganoush and any form of kebab are all off the menu. If there's no English word for this food, there's no place for it on any dinkum Aussie table. It only encourages the speaking of Arabic at home.

We're not stopping at food and will be implementing other measures to preserve our proud Australian monoculture.

We're outlawing all rainbows, even those which appear in the sky after rain. You might think they're pretty. Your children might stare at them in wonder. But we know they're just a front for that insidious transgender insurgency we've warned you about. We've adopted a policy to install coal fired power stations in every suburb. The extra emissions will soon block out those bloody things.........

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