Today my column is about ugliness. When we bandy about the word, “ugly,” we’re not talking about You-Know-Who’s wife and what she actually looks like, unleashed and naked behind locked bedroom doors. We’re referring to public eyesores in plain view of the beloved citizens of SClarita. Which — say it with me — rhymes with, “Velveeta.”

That would be the petroleum faux cheese spread chemical that oozes and overflows from Chiquita Canyon Landfill onto Highway 126, not that illegal alien lady who mooned the 4:37 a.m. Metrolink headed toward Vancouver last Monday.

As a tribute to Things SClarita Ugly, I’m launching the first-ever SCV ButTugly Awards. That’s pronounced Byoot(as in Montana)-TUG-lee, so’s we don’t get Luwanda, the shapely intern from Mighty Signal Legal in the high heels marching bold as brass with jungle drums and sultry saxophone music in the background into the Mr. SCV World Corporate Headquarters, taking off her glasses, tossing her long, full, Scandinavian blonde hair back and forth in wanton slow motion and sitting on the edge of our desk to chide: “No no no no no, John Boston. You’ve been a very naughty, naughty columnist and I’m afraid we’re going to have to punish you!”

“Luwanda,” as I always say, “Come hither. Do your worst.”

It’s not like I’m blaming the city o’ SClarita for local males wearing those oh-so-yesterday Folsom Prison baggy shorts that leave men with the awkward tan lines. Nor am I blaming our municipal HQ on Valencia Boulevard for inventing the Expose Your Naked, Frolicking & Ample Spare Tire on women post-400 pounds. I’m talking........

© Santa Clarita Valley Signal